Since I began my short term disability from my job nearly six weeks ago, I feel that the time I had carved out as my own (usually used for exercise like yoga or water aerobics) has been taken away. I’m sure if I had insisted on continuing these activities no one would have argued with me, but I think I was just plain too depressed to even get myself there—much less be active on arrival.
So now I sit after a day spent mostly napping, and am thinking about how difficult it was to walk to the park with my son yesterday and again today. My legs felt like they were moving through molasses and a half mile jaunt felt like ten by the time I got home and collapsed. I know I need to get my endurance back up slowly; I just wish it weren’t so much easier to get back into bed and take a nap!
As far as the depression goes, I’ve come a long way on the new drug I’ve been given (Abilify) and have even lost 6 pounds doing nothing different (except exercising LESS!). Even my new diet plans have been shrugged aside for the most part. It’s like the depression came to a raging head, saying, “Look at me! I’m a force strong enough to tear your life apart if you don’t take notice of me now!” And so, it knocked me down for a good six weeks and I’m still crawling out of the black hole it dropped me into. My brother-in-law said the bags under my eyes a few weeks ago were more like luggage racks! My daughter took a picture of me yesterday without my knowing it, and I was sad to see that even though inwardly I’m feeling a little more normal, outwardly I still look like hell.
I’m going to have to create a schedule for myself in order to really get done the things I want to accomplish in a day or a week. If I can write down and check items off a list I think I’ll feel more productive and quit kicking myself everyday for letting a day pass without doing some kind of exercise or meditation. Okay, so for this coming week I’m going to start by going to yoga once and walk at least a mile three days of the week. I feel better already!
