July 27, 2011
We are going through another reorganization at work. My manager got displaced, so the team I’m on is being disbanded. I will find out Friday where I go from here. My job is safe, but my job duties will most probably change and my teammates and I are expecting to be split apart. Maybe it’s because of all the changes at work, but lately I have been dreaming of teaching ballet again. Unfortunately my feet are in terrible shape (arthritis in my big toe, plantar fasciitis, and Achilles tendinitis) and I’m 40 pounds overweight thanks to fibromyalgia and depression.
I just can’t seem to reconcile the longing of my heart with the reality of life as I must live it. I owe it to my children to stay in this well paying job with corporate America so they can live in the nice townhome I had built and have wonderful health insurance. At least in my current job I can be with them in the evenings and the weekends when my husband doesn’t have them. If I were teaching ballet, I’d be teaching after school and into the evenings. It might work if I taught only one evening a week, but even that seems impossible in my present physical condition, and it would mean I’d still be working with corporate America. I’m just not that in love with my job. But my therapist tells me I have to face reality and do what will pay the bills.
Now that my marriage is over I dream about having the life I had back in Kentucky, before he moved all of us out to North Carolina to be near his family. But that life is over, the children are older, and I’m single and in chronic pain…not to mention overweight. I was teaching at several schools, namely one where I was the ballet director, and I had a dancewear store that I ran with my husband and my parents. Life seemed very sweet back then. We were poor, but we were happy.
I realize, too, that I’m more depressed lately. My husband (what do you call the person you are separated from and soon-to-be divorced from?) wants to speed up the divorce proceedings, whereas I was thinking we had until January to deal with it. So I’m facing grief over the loss of my marriage. Even though I don’t want him back, it’s sad to think I’ll have to start new memories with someone else one day; someone who won’t share the memories of my children being born and growing up; someone who hasn’t invested years into loving them.
I’ve contacted my daughter’s psychiatrist to see about getting an appointment with him for myself. I just don’t think the 30 mg of Cymbalta and 150 of Wellbutrin is cutting it for me now. My pain is not too terrible, but my depression is very bad and I’m walking in a daze wishing to crawl in bed most of the time. My therapist is going to begin HeartMath with me tomorrow. I’ve never experienced that before, so it should be interesting. It is supposed to bring about clarity of thought, so I’m eager to try it. Will keep you posted.
Categories: Depression, Fibro Fog, Fibromyalgia, Work.
Tags: doing what you love vs reality
July 14, 2010
With three lively children I never thought I’d find myself in a position to be lonely. But yesterday I was very lonely. I stayed busy, but it was quiet in my world…too quiet for comfort, really. I’m not complaining; it’s nice to have some alone time, and if I knew that it wouldn’t happen on a regular basis it might be easier to handle. Although knowing that it will also gives me an opportunity to find things to do that I normally wouldn’t be able to with three kids around.
This week my husband and daughters are on a pilgrimage to the Baha’i temples and holy places in Haifa and Akka, Israel. My son is staying with my mother-in-law a state away until Friday. I went to Walmart on Sunday for my usual weekly shopping, realizing I need not buy things for kids who won’t be there for another week, and filling my cart instead with a few fresh fruits and several frozen dinners. What the heck—I also needed a new pair of sweat pants so I bought those, too. It was weird filling up the cart for myself and no one else. It was lonely, too.
Yesterday was Sunday. After my son was picked up for his week-long trip I took a nap. Then I went to Walmart and came back home to unload. It was only 3:00 and I had all my weekend duties finished (shopping, cleaning, laundry, the usual stuff), so I called my sister and we decided to go swimming together. That lasted about 45 minutes and I was back home by 4:30. I did a few crosswords (I can only do the easy ones) and tried to nap again to no avail. I changed a light bulb in the kitchen and decided to move the small TV and stand to the front living room, where I’d noticed cable outlets behind the couch. They must be data outlets because the TV didn’t work there. I ate my frozen dinner and talked to my cat, who decided to go outside to spend the whole night. I did some more crosswords, paid some bills online and checked my email and facebook. I walked a mile. Then I decided to pick out my clothes for work since I’ll be going in everyday now instead of working from home three days a week. I ended up ironing about five blouses so I’ll be set for the whole week.
My job is changing this week. My psychiatrist thinks I’m being beaten down in a toxic, insidious way by someone at work. I could hardly explain my unhappiness to my boss, but I tried, and she gave me a couple of different options to make a change in who I report to. I chose the one where I’ll be helping her out directly, kind of like an assistant. What kind of boss does that, anyway? My psychiatrist said that she must love me…I can’t really imagine why, but in my state of mind I hardly love myself anymore, which makes it even more difficult to comprehend. My friend at work said not to question it. Just take the good fortune and be grateful. So the only drawback was that my boss thought I’d do better if I came into the office everyday instead of working from home some days. If my mood improves and I get in a good routine with whatever she has me start doing, I’m sure she’ll let me go back to that one day.
The doctor said that I seemed far away. I told her that I feel like I’m in this body, walking around, going here to get this or that, coming home, but not really feeling like I’m present. It’s that fogginess thing people with Fibromyalgia can relate to well. She said she felt like I needed a jolt of electricity, but she wasn’t prescribing that…thank goodness! She put me on Wellbutrin in addition to Cymbalta and Abilify. She said that would hit all the neurotransmitters and hopefully pull me out of my funk. She also mentioned that going back on short term disability could be an option if it doesn’t. I hope it works because I need my income in order to keep my house. Anyway, I won’t be lonely too much longer. The kids come home on Friday and I’ll have them for a week before my husband has them again for his week. Loneliness will be banished then.
Categories: Children, Depression, Fibro Fog, Fibromyalgia.
May 14, 2010
Wow, lots has happened since last month when I wrote. My husband moved out, my extension from work went through until tomorrow, and I find out today if it gets extended again to June or July, and my daughter is back in the hospital. Unfortunately she didn’t respond well to the Prozac so she was prescribed Paxil, which led her to hear a voice telling her to hurt other people (especially her little 5 year old brother). I took her to therapy on Wednesday this week and after a few minutes the therapist called me in to have my daughter tell me what she’d been hearing and seeing in her mind. The therapist recommended we go to the hospital for an assessment, which we did, and which led to her being admitted again.
At visiting time last night the psychiatrist pulled us into her office and gave us the rundown on what medications Deanna might try next. We’re going to go with a combination of Wellbutrin and Abilify and see if that helps. Until the voice stops being so insistent, they want to keep her at the hospital. Otherwise, she may get to go there as a partial or outpatient person, showing up everyday during the week from 8-4 and on weekends 9-1. She’d really prefer that, but we will do what the hospital recommends in any case.
Today I have a meeting with Deanna and a counselor for some family therapy. Her homebound situation with school has been working out remarkably well and her grades have improved. It really has been a joy to spend so much time with her, as I haven’t let her out of my sight for very long periods of time. We even published her many poems in a book of poetry through Lulu.com!
So, I’m adjusting to life as a single mother, although my husband calls me several times a day and insists on showing up whenever he likes. We have family therapy twice a month with the same therapist Deanna sees weekly, and next week it will just be my husband and me so we can discuss such boundary issues.
Categories: Children, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Kids.
Tags: separation
April 13, 2010
My older daughter has been in the adolescent behavioral health program at a hospital for the last week after taking a bunch of pills some boy on the bus gave her. She’s a 9th grader. We’ve since learned that part of the reason she’s been getting D’s and F’s in her classes the past quarter is because she’s been skipping classes. She said since she got her hair cut short people are calling her a dyke. How can kids be so cruel? She also mentioned that her parents may be getting a divorce. Did she think this would help that situation? People have told me that kids somehow unconsciously do drastic things to become a problem, so parents will have to come together to deal with it instead of worrying about their marriage. Interesting.
The psychiatrist at the hospital agreed that home schooling for the last remaining weeks of the school year would be preferable. I’m supposed to return to work on Monday! I emailed my manager in desperation, asking her to please consider letting me return part time. She responded that she’d have to think about how that might work, and said she’d get back to me in a couple of days. I see my psychiatrist today and need to let her know whether I want to pursue long term disability or not. I also asked my manager to let me work strange hours if part time was not an option (7am-12pm and 5-8pm), but I’m not at all sure I’d be able to keep that up along with home schooling, especially with all the sleep I’ve been requiring lately. Maybe if I’m just so busy sleep won’t enter my mind…we could hope.
I’m very worried about my daughter. She’s taking a small dose of prozac for now, and will begin therapy once weekly. In addition to keeping her home I will have to figure out ways to keep her happy without letting her roam the neighborhood (the boy who gave her pills lives in our neighborhood). My husband is already pursuing the boy by going through the school principal who will then get their security officer to follow up on it. My neighbors have a farm with horses that they said my kids are more than welcome to visit. Once we know where it is, they said we can even go there on our own whenever we’d like. She can groom the horses, feed them, ride them, etc. She loves being outdoors, so I think this could be a life saver for us.
The school will send a tutor once a week with all of her assignments for the week. Hopefully we will be able to get her through the end of the year and help her get her grades back up. The school has been very helpful. My son was sick yesterday, throwing up all day, it just makes me wonder how on earth I’ll be able to handle such situations if I’m also trying to work, but we are reliant on my health insurance. Please pray that either the part time or the long term disability comes through for me!
Categories: Children, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance, Kids, Work.
Tags: bullying, home schooling
March 15, 2010
My disability was approved up until today, but I can’t go back to work until my doctor sends a letter stating that I’m ready. My psychiatrist and primary physician have until March 23rd to fax in updated information and recommendations that I stay out until April 19th. I’m pretty sure that it will be approved as long as it is what they recommend. So for now, I’m just waiting to find out the verdict. And I’m not sure if these days are going unpaid or if my manager will let me use more personal days. If it is approved eventually, I’ll get the personal days back and the leave will be with pay.
I’m really nervous about going back to work. My husband is a contractor (doing Project Management), so all our health benefits come from my job. He’s also trying to get into the Foreign Service to work for the State Department, and is on the last leg of acceptance into that. He has the oral assessment on April 12th. If he passes, we will move to Washington DC and then to God-knows-where overseas for four years or more. All of this is adding stress to an already stressful situation! The only good thing about the Foreign Service is that I wouldn’t have to worry about working. But other than writing I’m not sure what I’d do, since we’d likely have a maid and a cook wherever we end up going.
At least my mood is more stable now, and I go up to 60mg of Cymbalta in a couple of days. I’m hoping that will really boost me up and I’ll feel like my old self completely then. If that’s the case then I should be able to handle working, right? Well, I’m not sure! My fibromyalgia is still a fairly new condition that I’ve had to begin learning to live with, and even though it’s not nearly as bad as some people’s symptoms it does make it harder for me to do the things that I used to do without much effort. I think the depression was what really messed me up with my job, and as far as I know things will continue to shift and change at work just like they always do at a big bank.
I’m spending my time doing mom stuff mostly. But I’m happy to report that I have finally been able to get engaged in some reading again! I’m reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper. Haven’t seen the film yet so it’s all new to me. I love her books! I’m also working slowly on a needlepoint project, but I don’t feel up to doing it everyday so it will be awhile before I get it done. But at least it’s progress!
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: disability, Foreign Service, going back to work
March 9, 2010
When I got the approval for short term disability from work I was at the lowest place in my life—barely able to function enough to care for myself. I was given eight weeks to pull myself out of the black pit of despair and get myself ready to begin anew. Eight blessed weeks of low to no stress. However, my family didn’t see it that way.
In a sense—looking back—I was like a child, unable to even voice my opinions or stand up for myself. I was weary and exhausted. Before I knew it, I had been assigned making daily lunches for two of my children everyday and the job of taking my daughter to school (the bus had been fine before) and my son to half-day preschool and picking him up four hours later everyday…not to mention watching him the rest of the afternoons and overseeing any projects he had and weekly homework assignments. These were things we had been paying a family member to do. Making dinner every night was another job, and I found myself at the local supermarket nearly every single day of the week! Yes, I have learned how to make several new dishes—some of which have even become favorites at my house and may need to become posts on “Things I Love” as soon as I have the energy to write them. And my children have been sicker than I ever remember during these few weeks, so I spent many hours in the car on the way to and from (and at) doctors’ appointments. Then there were orthodontist visits, a special laser treatment to expose and pull down two of my older daughter’s teeth, and visits to the psychiatrist for my younger daughter for her anxiety.
This week I am in charge of calling the insurance company to find out why none of my therapy was covered (therapist is not in network), and picking my 9th grader up from school three days this week so she can stay late to work on an art project she’s behind on and go to math tutoring for her algebra class she’s failing. And that’s not all she’s failing! What could have happened? I’m wondering if my leave and the distress of thinking her parents might be getting a divorce has affected her grades this semester. Last semester her lowest grade was a C. Now she’s carrying F’s in four of her five courses! And she hasn’t a care in the world. We’ve taken her phone, ipod, computer access, free time, and set up a rigid study schedule for her. I’m setting up conferences with her five teachers to discuss the issues she’s having and find out how we can get information on when tests are coming up so she doesn’t “forget” to study and fail them all. I’ve been looking online—because one of her teachers sent an email back stating that she has trouble concentrating in class—and I’m wondering if she may have ADHD. She certainly seems to have all the symptoms. She has a follow up with the pediatrician she’s been seeing for years next week, so I’m going to bring it up and see what the doctor thinks.
I want to thank my sister who has stepped in to help me twice a week by picking up my son and watching him those afternoons. Those two days are ones I know I’ll be able to breathe.
I am now in the eighth week of my disability and finally finding some relief from the drug Cymbalta, which helps both my Fibromyalgia and my depression. I’m still on Abilify and Prozac, but taping off of those until eventually I will only be on Cymbalta. Well, that’s the plan for now. Now that I’m feeling more like my old self, I’m thinking that it wasn’t fair to be given all the duties either our children did just fine for themselves or that we had paid help to do. I was on a paid leave, although the plan at first was that I might never return to the job that has caused such stress in my life. Why was it like someone flipped a switch, and now that mom’s home, she can do…everything!
It sounds like I’m complaining, but I have a point to make here. And it’s not that I don’t love my children and enjoy caring for them. I actually do, especially this week now that I’m feeling better. But my advice to anyone who needs time to turn their lives around and who needs to start with themselves, is to keep everything else constant. Don’t start making drastic changes to make the lives of everyone else in the family easier until you start feeling better. Take the time you need to sleep, if that’s what you feel you need. To meditate, sew, shop, drive, walk—whatever makes you feel better about who you are. Then, when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and you are pulling your feet from the black pit you’ve been sitting in, slowly implement changes that will be beneficial to everyone else. You are worth it, and they can’t be happy if you aren’t.
Categories: Children, Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance, Support.
Tags: disability, getting back on your feet, taking time for yourself
March 5, 2010
This is the question my psychiatrist posed to me yesterday when I went to see her about my drug regimine (“Do you feel overmedicated?”). One time she told me she thought I was overmedicated, but I wasn’t exactly sure at the time what I’d said to make her think that was the case. So I just shrugged and told her I’d been feeling sleepy a lot during the day, napping frequently and feeling lazy when I was awake. I still have little to no interest in doing the things I normally enjoy doing, and I don’t feel like the Abilify, even at 5 mg is lifting my depression. I also have pain in my legs, especially in the morning.
I was feeling like I needed something more or something different, but I wasn’t sure how to respond to her question. What does it feel like to be overmedicated? How can someone know that’s what their symptoms mean? I still don’t quite get it.
After some more discussion, she said that maybe I was taking too much Prozac (40 mg a day). Then she had a great idea…to put me on Cymbalta, which should help both my depression and my pain from fibromyalgia! I’m to taper off my Prozac in two weeks and then be off of it completely. I’ll take 30 mg of Cymbalta for 2 weeks, then up it to 60 mg for four weeks. At that point we will see how it’s doing and if I should begin tapering off of Abilify. She said it’s best not to be on too many medications, which I agree with. I’ve also been taking Trazodone at night to help me sleep, and she said I could cut that dose down considerably, and possibly completely. I didn’t take it last night and was awake at 3:00 am.
So tonight I will take a small dose of Trazodone to see if it helps me sleep without making me sleepy into the next day, too.
I wonder how many people are actually walking around overmedicated? It’s kind of a scary thought.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: overmedicated
February 21, 2010
Since I began my short term disability from my job nearly six weeks ago, I feel that the time I had carved out as my own (usually used for exercise like yoga or water aerobics) has been taken away. I’m sure if I had insisted on continuing these activities no one would have argued with me, but I think I was just plain too depressed to even get myself there—much less be active on arrival.
So now I sit after a day spent mostly napping, and am thinking about how difficult it was to walk to the park with my son yesterday and again today. My legs felt like they were moving through molasses and a half mile jaunt felt like ten by the time I got home and collapsed. I know I need to get my endurance back up slowly; I just wish it weren’t so much easier to get back into bed and take a nap!
As far as the depression goes, I’ve come a long way on the new drug I’ve been given (Abilify) and have even lost 6 pounds doing nothing different (except exercising LESS!). Even my new diet plans have been shrugged aside for the most part. It’s like the depression came to a raging head, saying, “Look at me! I’m a force strong enough to tear your life apart if you don’t take notice of me now!” And so, it knocked me down for a good six weeks and I’m still crawling out of the black hole it dropped me into. My brother-in-law said the bags under my eyes a few weeks ago were more like luggage racks! My daughter took a picture of me yesterday without my knowing it, and I was sad to see that even though inwardly I’m feeling a little more normal, outwardly I still look like hell.
I’m going to have to create a schedule for myself in order to really get done the things I want to accomplish in a day or a week. If I can write down and check items off a list I think I’ll feel more productive and quit kicking myself everyday for letting a day pass without doing some kind of exercise or meditation. Okay, so for this coming week I’m going to start by going to yoga once and walk at least a mile three days of the week. I feel better already!
Categories: Depression, Energy, Exercise, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: Depression, Energy, Exercise, schedule, walking, yoga
February 14, 2010
The other day I was sharing with a friend of mine some new thing I’d heard about that I thought might bring me some peace of mind. He said that he thought I should stop listening to all the ideas people presented to me and stop taking everyone up on trying them out. He said, “Just stop, stop, stop. STOP!”
Well, not taking his advice to stop listening to advice, I took him up on his advice! It has been liberating to let people tell me what they think I should do and know that I will probably not do it, because I don’t have to if it’s not what I feel is right for me. Somehow, I always feel I must be striving to be productive, to make myself a better person, to contribute to society in special ways and be a good example.
His other advice was this: when there’s nothing to do, just do nothing. Sit and watch a sunset. Just be with yourself and be happy with that alone. I’m usually knitting if I’m just sitting alone with nothing else to do, because of my deep seated belief that I must always be productive. Lately I’ve had a hard time being happy, so if there’s nothing to do I will usually find myself crawling into bed to take a nap. I’m always tired, you see.
But the other day I turned on some of my favorite classical piano music and sat and drank a whole cup of tea without doing anything else. It wasn’t a super long time or anything, but it felt good to just do nothing (although technically I guess you could say I was listening to music and drinking tea!). Well, I’m getting closer to the idea. It will take some time before I’m really able to just sit and be with myself, happily.
Categories: Depression, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: alone time, doing nothing
February 3, 2010
I had a dream last night that I couldn’t smile. I had to smile for a picture and I just couldn’t get the sides of my mouth to go up. That was kind of weird.
My depression is not lifting as I’d hoped it would. My psychiatrist told me that it would be okay for me to take the whole 5 mg dose of Abilify instead of just half a tablet at night. I’m hoping that will help. My sister is also going to pick my son up from preschool at 1:00 on Wednesdays and Thursdays so I can stay home and relax a bit. I drop him off at 9:00 and then 1:00 seems to come quickly. Today is a Wednesday so I was able to stay home and clean up my house downstairs, go to the grocery to pick up some items I needed to make chili for supper, and take a nap. It was really nice!
I’m seeing a marriage and family therapist with my husband. We went last night for the first time and it went well. She recommended I start reading five affirmations that I make up, five times a day for a total of 25 times. She also loaned me a book by David D. Burns called Feeling Good. There was a quiz to take on page 20 and after I totaled my answers it said I have extreme depression. Anything 40 and over equaled extreme, and I had a 47.
From the book, it says:
The simple, effective mood-control techniques of cognitive therapy provide:
1. Rapid Symptomatic Improvement: In milder depressions, relief from your symptoms can often be observed in as short a time as twelve weeks.
2. Understanding: A clear explanation of why you get moody and what you can do to change your moods. You will learn what causes your powerful feelings; how to distinguish “normal” from “abnormal” emotions; and how to diagnose and assess the severity of your upsets.
3. Self-control: You will learn how to apply safe and effective coping strategies that will make you feel better whenever you are upset. I will guide you as you develop a practical, realistic, step-by-step self-help plan. As you apply it, your moods can come under greater voluntary control.
4. Prevention and Personal Growth: Genuine and long-lasting prophylaxis (prevention) of future mood swings can effectively be based on a reassessment of some basic values and attitudes which lie at the core of your tendency toward painful depressions. I will show you how to challenge and reevaluate certain assumptions about the basis for human worth.
I will try to write more posts as I read more of this book and let you know if it’s helping!
Categories: Depression, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: affirmation, Depression, feeling good
January 19, 2010
Last week I was able to get an appointment with a really great psychiatrist in the area. She said that in addition to my medications not helping me, she thinks my hormones are out of balance. I’m going to have the IUD my primary care physician told me to use for birth control taken out because it’s making my body believe it’s pregnant, thus leading to tears, anxiety, and a nesting instinct that has me cleaning my house like mad and not wanting to leave home much.
She took me off Zyprexa and put me on 2.5 mg of Abilify. So far I’ve lost 3 pounds in one week! I haven’t had to take a nap, although a few days I went to bed early. She said when I see her this week we’ll go over the medications again and make adjustments if needed. I’ll probably need to take the Abilify in the mornings because I’ve been waking up like clockwork at 2:50 a.m. everyday! Maybe she can give me something to help me sleep at night. She also says I’m not bipolar, so I guess that’s something!
The other, possibly even more important, discovery she made was that she believes I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. The symptoms sound very familiar! If the blood tests she ordered for my thyroid antibodies come back showing I do have this, then there is medication I can take that will do the job my thyroid isn’t doing, and my symptoms will reverse! I’m so hoping that this is the answer. I’ll let you know when I find out.
In the meantime, I’ve been busy taking my 7th grade daughter to school everyday, before I drop my son off at the gym where he has a half day of preschool from 9-1. I figured out that there is water aerobics on Monday, Wed., and Friday from 9-10, and yoga on Tuesday and Thursday from 9:15-10:30, so I’m going to begin going to those classes. I think it will help me feel more energetic and maybe less moody. Not working for the past week has made me less stressed, for sure, and more patient with my family. I think it’s going to be a great thing for all of us.
I’m also spending time with my parents and my sister which is nice. I took my parents to see Avatar yesterday. They don’t go out to movies very often so I think they really enjoyed the outing. Today I’m making appointments, getting organized, cleaning house, and doing laundry, including washing sheets. It feels so good to have the time to do these things.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Exercise, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: Not working
January 9, 2010
Well, the tires came to a screeching halt when my family life hit some major potholes. My depression and fibro flareups created enough tension in the home that something had to happen. I decided to take a personal leave of absence from work for several weeks.
My leave begins officially on Monday. For now we are saying I’ll be out for 30 days and we can update that if needed. Last Friday I was able to stay at home and be a mom.
My daughter missed her bus: no problem…I took her to school! I cleaned my refrigerator and pantry in the kitchen and worked on my knitting (I’m making a scarf…it’s my third one but I’m still a novice at knitting at this point). I visited my parents during the day, and after school I spent time with each of my children, made spaghetti, a nice salad, and garlic bread for dinner, and felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
I had no idea that the stress of my job was causing me to close myself off from my husband and children, but it was. I was able to be patient with them almost immediately after learning I didn’t have to worry about my job. I didn’t have to hold my energy in reserve so that I’d be able to perform at work the next day for 8 hours. Normally I am sleeping when I’m not working, or I’m awake but mentally and emotionally shut down to preserve my sanity. I think this is going to be a much-needed rest for me.
Categories: Children, Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: personal leave, Work
December 31, 2009
I’ve enjoyed the past couple of weeks, visiting with family I haven’t seen in a long time and taking some much needed time away from work. We had a big family picture with all my siblings and their families along with my parents and I’m looking forward to getting those. We had a professional photographer come to take them at my mother-in-law’s house since she has a lot of space and a pretty fireplace to use as a background.
Today I found a new psychiatrist who is also a neurologist. I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m bipolar. It seems like I’ll have several bad months and then a couple good ones every now and then, when I’m able to be very productive and feel more alive than ever. The last big upswing I had was last summer and I attributed it to a change in medication when my doctor put me on a very small dose of zyprexa. I had so much energy and felt like singing in the car again (I can measure my depression on a scale of how much I feel like singing to the radio!). My general practitioner prescribed that after taking me off birth control and trying some other options that didn’t pull me out of my depression. I was walking everyday, wrote a book and published it myself online (for ballet teachers), started a ballet blog, and was feeling really good about myself and my life.
It lasted a couple of months and I’ve been down in the dumps since about September. I sleep an awful lot, and even when I’m not sleepy I will sleep just to escape life. I suppose it’s similar to how some people veg out in front of the TV just to relax, only I want to escape even more completely than that. I’m not suicidal or anything, but it’s making it difficult to get through a day’s work without stress and tears over things that shouldn’t cause me such stress and tears!
My appointment is February 5th and I’m hopeful that seeing a specialist will get me the help I need and the right medications to get out of this rut.
I hope everyone has a Happy New Year, and that it’s full of happiness and free of pain. Or a little bit freer of pain, at least. 
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: bipolar, Depression
December 22, 2009
I saw my rheumatologist yesterday as well as my primary care physician. The rheumatologist didn’t want to do anything with my meds for depression, saying he doesn’t profess to know anything about that. He just said that I should increase my dosage of Neurontin (Gabapentin) from 200mg to 300mg everyday, and that I could call in a couple of weeks and he may even have me go up more. I know some people take a whole lot more than that, but it’s not so much the pain that I’m having trouble with as it is the anxiety and depression. He thought that increasing the dosage would probably help my “sleep architecture” so I wouldn’t be having as fractured sleep as I am (told him I can sleep 13 hours and still be tired), so we’ll see what happens. I took 300mg last night and slept like a log.
My primary care doctor was going to take me off Zyprexa and put me on Pristiq, since I told him that my sister takes Pristiq and is doing very well on it and losing weight even. But it turns out that you can’t take it and Prozac at the same time, so he just left my meds as they are now, saying I could increase the Zyprexa if needed, and that 2.5mg is really not a very big dose. Right now I’m only taking 1/2 a 2.5mg tablet and that knocks me out and makes it hard for me to wake up the next day. I’ll just keep things as they are and hopefully with the changes at work I won’t go out of my mind with worry.
I ordered a theracane from Amazon.com and really like it! It’s great because you can reach trigger points without the aid of another person. It can reach every trigger point in your body! I highly recommend them. I got one for my brother-in-law and he loves it. The other thing I ordered today and am eagerly waiting to receive in the mail is a pain relief neck wrap from www.relaxpack.com. The owner of Relax Pack suffers from Fibromyalgia and created these hot or cold packs out of all organic materials and herbs. It sounds really nice.
On Thursday I meet with my nutritionist who is going to give me meal plans! She had me buy a water distiller (the $99 one that has stainless steel inside) and a nice blender so I can make smoothies, too. Apparently this commercial blender will chop up avocado seeds and other seeds that hold a lot of nutrients. Now I’ll be able to really start getting a handle on my nutrition and stop craving things I don’t need! Hopefully it will help me lose some of this added weight, too, and give me more energy. She said that in time eating the right foods will allow me to go off of some of my medications. That would be wonderful! I’ll post some smoothie recipes later when I get them. Here are some nutrition tips she gave me:
- Water instead of Sodas, Kool Aid, etc.
- Eat at least 4 cups of cooked vegetables – include dark greens
- Eat 2-3 servings of fruit daily – don’t count juice
- Fish – 3 times a week (especially salmon and small fish)
- Good fats – olive, safflower, nuts & seeds, avocado
- Shop around the periphery of the grocery store
- Go natural – minimize salt, sugar, additives, preservatives
- Eat a variety of foods
- Nibble instead of gorge
- Stay away from foods that don’t rot or sprout
- Eat nutrient dense foods
- Choose high fiber foods
- Eat enough protein (100 grams if you weigh 150 lbs)
- Stay away from hard to digest foods
- Avoid grilling
- Keep bowels healthy – at least one bowel movement a day
At my first meeting with her she did say I should drink 2 cups of lukewarm distilled water first thing in the morning, before eating any food. This gently awakens the digestive system. She said to use skim milk instead of 2%, to eat two halves of a walnut everyday, to get Ezekiel bread, to drink water 15 minutes before a meal or 30 minutes after (but don’t drink during a meal!), to use coconut oil for stir frying, and that I should eat dates with grapefruit instead of alone as a snack. Lastly, she said to eat two egg whites and one egg yolk for breakfast and that boiled or poached are best. I didn’t know the protein was in the egg white and not the yolk! I’ve been trying to do these things until I get my real meal plans from her on Thursday.
I hope everyone enjoys their holidays and stays warm and pain free.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Nutrition.
Tags: depression medication, Nutrition, pain medication, rheumatologist
December 11, 2009
Today my husband and I were both working at our offices. His is across the street from mine, so we are fairly close. He sent an email to see if I wanted to go to an Indian buffet for lunch with a couple of his Indian coworkers. Originally I had planned to eat at work and even packed a lunch. After arriving at work, I had decided to spend my lunch hour driving back to my home office since the boss is off today and I have a later than usual meeting this afternoon. My first reaction to my husband’s email was to write back saying that I couldn’t do it, but then I thought twice.
Why couldn’t I have lunch with him and meet some of his coworkers, and then drive home? I was going to be working later than usual anyway, so there wasn’t an issue with getting in my time for the day. The lunch I packed could be saved for tomorrow, couldn’t it? So I ran it by my team lead who said, “Do whatever you have to do…no problem with me”, and I sent my husband a reply that said, “Sure!”
I think he was surprised. Which is kind of sad, really. The fact that I normally shy away from doing things on the spur of the moment can’t make me a very fun loving person, although I blame my inflexibility on the fibromyalgia. But I’ve decided that instead of jumping to my first inclination to say no to things of this nature, I’m going to start thinking twice about them. I’m going to think about the real reasons I’m saying no to doing things, especially if it’s something that I’d probably end up enjoying and that would make my kids or my husband feel better about me.
So today I thought to myself:
Do I have a meeting at lunch time that I can’t miss? No.
Am I behind on my hours for the week and can’t take the time to go out to lunch? No.
Do I have tasks that need to be completed today that would require working through lunch? No.
Do I hate Indian food? No.
And then I thought to myself:
Would it make my husband happy if I joined him and his coworkers for lunch? Yes.
Would it be something I’d probably enjoy? Yes.
Could I make it back to my home office in time for my afternoon meetings? Yes.
Do I have the energy today to eat lunch with new people? Yes.
Well, at least I have on makeup and am dressed (since I’m working in the office instead of at home—on work-from-home days I often work in my pajamas until noon and don’t put on any makeup all day). So the hardest part was already done. All I had to do was drive across the street to meet my husband and jump in his car.
From now on, instead of automatically saying no to things, I’m going to think about it first. I’m going to run some questions through my mind and make a decision based on how I’m feeling that particular day and on what kind of energy I’m going to need to make it through the things I already know I have to accomplish. If there’s not a good reason for me to say no then I’m going to start saying yes. I think I’ve gotten too good at saying no. Maybe stopping for a few moments to take everything into account will help me enjoy more things in life, and make me more fun to be around, too.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: being spontaneous, Energy, saying no, saying yes, thinking
December 10, 2009
I used to be a sort of even keel, calm person by nature. I used to feel pretty much the same everyday. Not including big life changes (but even then, sometimes), I managed stress well. My moods didn’t fluctuate from one day to the next and I didn’t feel like I was riding a roller coaster in the dark. Which is exactly how I feel now that I have Fibromyalgia.
So far this week I haven’t experienced much calm. Period. The closest I came to it was yesterday when I was working from home and I had some Wilson Phillips music playing softly. But instead of calm, I felt extremely energized and rushed around doing all kinds of household duties while I had that energy.
Usually I’m in bed resting when my husband gets home from work and he has to rant a bit about “what’s for supper” and “where’s Mom” before I drag myself up. Yesterday I started supper: putting on the rice, cutting vegetables for stir fry and defrosting the chicken so it was almost ready by the time he got home. I could tell he was surprised.
Today, my brain is racing but my body feels lethargic. I truly would love to crawl back in bed and sleep until I wake up naturally, as in, without an alarm. My back was sore when I got up today, and it was a real struggle to wake up when the alarm went off.
Yesterday my Dr. Frank’s Joint and Muscle relief spray came in the mail. I squirted four times under my tongue last night and again this morning. Also got a new pill container to separate my pills for each day of the week. That’s only to make it easier on myself—instead of opening and closing three different bottles of pills every night I can pop open one lid and dump them all out. My twelve year old daughter was watching me sort out pills for my new container last night and she said, “Wow, it’s like you’re really sick or something.” Yeah.
I’m hopeful the small adjustments I’ve made in my medications will be effective, and that the nutritional changes I’m about to make will help, too.
But what I’m frustrated with is this roller coaster from one day to the next. Not only does it make it impossible to set plans, it makes me feel like I’m walking on egg shells. Normally you’d feel that way toward someone else whose moods you can’t predict, walking lightly around them not to set off that invisible switch…but when that person is yourself it’s very unnerving!
I never in my wildest dreams would have thought this was possible. That I couldn’t control my moods from one day to the next; that I couldn’t count on myself to be patient and pleasant with my coworkers or my precious children when they’re not doing anything out of the ordinary to cause me to explode inside; that I would have the desire to organize that basket full of junk (bills, letters, magazines…the catch-all basket that holds everything no one wants to deal with), but that I would sit and look at it without having the least bit of energy and drive to get up and actually organize it.
I’ve connected with several other FMS sufferers on Twitter and read some of their blogs since starting my own a couple weeks ago. I know there are things we can learn from each other. The way this illness manifests itself so uniquely in each person drives me batty though! No wonder doctors find it difficult to get people on exactly the right meds to treat their symptoms. And the day I see my doctor I might be experiencing more depression than fatigue, or more pain than depression (it’s like a tossed salad!), and so he treats me for how I’m feeling on that particular day which might not really be so helpful in the days to come.
I’m thinking about trying to start meditation. Does anyone have any tips on how to go about starting? My goal is to sit still for five minutes every morning and again for five minutes in the evening when I’m alone. Just sit and try to clear my mind of all worries and anxiety, and try to forget about pain. I’ll keep you posted on how this goes.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: Depression, fatigue, lethargy, roller coaster
December 7, 2009
Well, the last few days have been really bad for me. But I have a plan. So, I have something constructive to look forward to, and I’m hoping that it will work for me. Basically, I quit taking my Gabapentin because I’ve gained weight on it. Being in pain keeps me from getting the exercise that I know I need, so it’s a vicious cycle. When I first started taking Zyprexa it helped my depression so much, but that has been about 8 months ago and I only take 1/4 of a tablet because otherwise I can’t wake up in the morning. I had a really hard weekend (not that I did anything to make it difficult, it just was), and ended up going to bed at 7:00 last night and waking up still feeling tired at 7:45 this morning. My daughter was very upset that I didn’t make supper last night, but I just didn’t have the energy.
This morning my mother-in-law came to get my son, as usual, and made me a cup of tea before I sat down to work from home. I told her I’d been asleep since 7:00 last night and that I’m having a bad episode of depression. She thinks I need to get back on my medicine and take more Zyprexa, and said that she would help me with meals if I agree to see a friend of ours who is a nutritionist. This friend does it for a living, so we made an appointment for next Monday to meet with her. The first meeting is 90 minutes, and the second one is 60 minutes—where she helps you actually lay out a plan. My mother-in-law called my husband and he thinks it will be great, and that the whole family can do it. If they don’t like it, they can make something else to eat. Hmmm, not sure how that will go over, but it’s worth a try.
I do think what we eat has an effect on our brains. The main reason I’m interested though is for weight loss. I just can’t feel good about myself when I’m overweight, plain and simple. I know it sounds superficial and nutty, but it’s the truth. In my youth I was a ballet dancer, and I’ve already given up so much of that life by taking a job working in a bank and giving up teaching, I can’t stand looking at my pudgy self in yoga class either. Hopefully this will help me out. And my husband agreed to go to aquacise with me tomorrow night!
Categories: Depression, Fibromyalgia, Support.
Tags: Depression, Exercise, Fibromyalgia, Nutrition, weight gain, weight loss
