July 27, 2011
We are going through another reorganization at work. My manager got displaced, so the team I’m on is being disbanded. I will find out Friday where I go from here. My job is safe, but my job duties will most probably change and my teammates and I are expecting to be split apart. Maybe it’s because of all the changes at work, but lately I have been dreaming of teaching ballet again. Unfortunately my feet are in terrible shape (arthritis in my big toe, plantar fasciitis, and Achilles tendinitis) and I’m 40 pounds overweight thanks to fibromyalgia and depression.
I just can’t seem to reconcile the longing of my heart with the reality of life as I must live it. I owe it to my children to stay in this well paying job with corporate America so they can live in the nice townhome I had built and have wonderful health insurance. At least in my current job I can be with them in the evenings and the weekends when my husband doesn’t have them. If I were teaching ballet, I’d be teaching after school and into the evenings. It might work if I taught only one evening a week, but even that seems impossible in my present physical condition, and it would mean I’d still be working with corporate America. I’m just not that in love with my job. But my therapist tells me I have to face reality and do what will pay the bills.
Now that my marriage is over I dream about having the life I had back in Kentucky, before he moved all of us out to North Carolina to be near his family. But that life is over, the children are older, and I’m single and in chronic pain…not to mention overweight. I was teaching at several schools, namely one where I was the ballet director, and I had a dancewear store that I ran with my husband and my parents. Life seemed very sweet back then. We were poor, but we were happy.
I realize, too, that I’m more depressed lately. My husband (what do you call the person you are separated from and soon-to-be divorced from?) wants to speed up the divorce proceedings, whereas I was thinking we had until January to deal with it. So I’m facing grief over the loss of my marriage. Even though I don’t want him back, it’s sad to think I’ll have to start new memories with someone else one day; someone who won’t share the memories of my children being born and growing up; someone who hasn’t invested years into loving them.
I’ve contacted my daughter’s psychiatrist to see about getting an appointment with him for myself. I just don’t think the 30 mg of Cymbalta and 150 of Wellbutrin is cutting it for me now. My pain is not too terrible, but my depression is very bad and I’m walking in a daze wishing to crawl in bed most of the time. My therapist is going to begin HeartMath with me tomorrow. I’ve never experienced that before, so it should be interesting. It is supposed to bring about clarity of thought, so I’m eager to try it. Will keep you posted.
Categories: Depression, Fibro Fog, Fibromyalgia, Work.
Tags: doing what you love vs reality
June 20, 2011
Well, I started June with the goal of walking a total of 50 miles. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to keep up to such a grand goal, only walking when it’s not too hot and when I wake up early enough to do it before I go to work. However, my daughter who goes to school in the Czech Republic will be home for the summer next week, and she has agreed to get up early and walk with me everyday. Maybe July will be the month!
It has been a rough year. I moved in with my parents in January while my townhouse was being built and moved my daughter to a different school (the one she’d go to when the townhouse was ready anyway). I did this so she wouldn’t have to change mid-semester and because she was being bullied. She stayed at my parents’ house with me, so it worked out fine—they are in the same school district as the new school so the bus came to get her everyday. The townhouse was ready at the end of March and my daughter and son moved in with me.
My daughter continued to suffer from bullying at the new school as well. I think Facebook has got a lot to do with it. Her new friends saw what old friends were saying about her, etc. I’m not positive, but every time she got off Facebook she seemed depressed. She broke up with her boyfriend at the old school who promptly got himself a new girlfriend. My daughter’s so beautiful, yet she has such a bad self esteem. I wish I knew how to help her. She was hospitalized in May for a suicidal plan we were afraid she would carry out. We began DBT class together (the kids go to one session and the parents go to another), but I let her miss one week so she could go to Indiana with my parents. That weekend she was texting me that she wanted to die, that she needed to go back to the hospital, and that she really needed me to come there to pick her up.
I got in the car at midnight with my six year old son and started driving from North Carolina to Indiana. I made it three hours before I had to crash at a hotel for a few hours, then completed the trip early in the afternoon on Saturday. We drove back the next day, but she seemed better so I didn’t take her to the hospital right away. She had therapy on Monday and that helped her, and I knew she had an appointment with her psychiatrist on Thursday. On Thursday the psychiatrist gave her a psych test and she was only 2 points away from getting the worst possible score. He and I agreed that I should take her directly to the hospital. She answered one question with the answer that she’d kill herself if given the chance.
She had lost 3 pounds in 10 days, so they are treating her at the hospital for an eating disorder. She often throws up, and I was wondering about that possibility, too. Her therapist had told the doctor that she suspected an early-onset eating disorder. This week I’ll miss work a couple of mornings to go to family sessions at the hospital. She seems to be doing better on the new medicine they are giving her, although it makes her tired. They said that would only last three weeks, and since it’s summer I think it would be a good time to continue with it since it’s helping. Hopefully my daughter will be home from the hospital by the weekend when my older daughter gets home.
This week my son is going to South Carolina to stay with my mother-in-law (what do you call her if I’m separated from her son?). It will be strange not having any children at home ALL week. I finished the afghan I was making my daughter in the hospital so I guess I will need to visit the craft store for some more yarn to start a new project soon.
I’m hoping to begin writing more now, not that things have calmed down any, but because it really helps me to do so.
Categories: Fibromyalgia.
July 14, 2010
With three lively children I never thought I’d find myself in a position to be lonely. But yesterday I was very lonely. I stayed busy, but it was quiet in my world…too quiet for comfort, really. I’m not complaining; it’s nice to have some alone time, and if I knew that it wouldn’t happen on a regular basis it might be easier to handle. Although knowing that it will also gives me an opportunity to find things to do that I normally wouldn’t be able to with three kids around.
This week my husband and daughters are on a pilgrimage to the Baha’i temples and holy places in Haifa and Akka, Israel. My son is staying with my mother-in-law a state away until Friday. I went to Walmart on Sunday for my usual weekly shopping, realizing I need not buy things for kids who won’t be there for another week, and filling my cart instead with a few fresh fruits and several frozen dinners. What the heck—I also needed a new pair of sweat pants so I bought those, too. It was weird filling up the cart for myself and no one else. It was lonely, too.
Yesterday was Sunday. After my son was picked up for his week-long trip I took a nap. Then I went to Walmart and came back home to unload. It was only 3:00 and I had all my weekend duties finished (shopping, cleaning, laundry, the usual stuff), so I called my sister and we decided to go swimming together. That lasted about 45 minutes and I was back home by 4:30. I did a few crosswords (I can only do the easy ones) and tried to nap again to no avail. I changed a light bulb in the kitchen and decided to move the small TV and stand to the front living room, where I’d noticed cable outlets behind the couch. They must be data outlets because the TV didn’t work there. I ate my frozen dinner and talked to my cat, who decided to go outside to spend the whole night. I did some more crosswords, paid some bills online and checked my email and facebook. I walked a mile. Then I decided to pick out my clothes for work since I’ll be going in everyday now instead of working from home three days a week. I ended up ironing about five blouses so I’ll be set for the whole week.
My job is changing this week. My psychiatrist thinks I’m being beaten down in a toxic, insidious way by someone at work. I could hardly explain my unhappiness to my boss, but I tried, and she gave me a couple of different options to make a change in who I report to. I chose the one where I’ll be helping her out directly, kind of like an assistant. What kind of boss does that, anyway? My psychiatrist said that she must love me…I can’t really imagine why, but in my state of mind I hardly love myself anymore, which makes it even more difficult to comprehend. My friend at work said not to question it. Just take the good fortune and be grateful. So the only drawback was that my boss thought I’d do better if I came into the office everyday instead of working from home some days. If my mood improves and I get in a good routine with whatever she has me start doing, I’m sure she’ll let me go back to that one day.
The doctor said that I seemed far away. I told her that I feel like I’m in this body, walking around, going here to get this or that, coming home, but not really feeling like I’m present. It’s that fogginess thing people with Fibromyalgia can relate to well. She said she felt like I needed a jolt of electricity, but she wasn’t prescribing that…thank goodness! She put me on Wellbutrin in addition to Cymbalta and Abilify. She said that would hit all the neurotransmitters and hopefully pull me out of my funk. She also mentioned that going back on short term disability could be an option if it doesn’t. I hope it works because I need my income in order to keep my house. Anyway, I won’t be lonely too much longer. The kids come home on Friday and I’ll have them for a week before my husband has them again for his week. Loneliness will be banished then.
Categories: Children, Depression, Fibro Fog, Fibromyalgia.
June 19, 2010
It has been a long time since I last posted on this blog, but there’s a really good reason for that. I started back to work and my husband and I separated. Yeah, life has been really rough the last couple of months. My husband moved out at the end of April and now has a townhouse in a neighboring city not too far from me. Then on May 19 I started back at work! Work has been nice. I didn’t think I’d be happy going back, but I really do enjoy working. It as made me realize that the job wasn’t sucking the life out of me, my depression was. Now that my meds are under control the job is bearable and usually kind of fun and interesting.
My daughter was in the hospital again in May when her meds caused her to start wanting to hurt other people, and now she’s doing very well on her combination of medicines. She made it through the end of ninth grade with 2 Bs, 2 Cs, and one F (in Phys Ed). We’re going to contest that grade because she did online work that was supposed to bring it up, but apparently didn’t.
Now that school is out and my husband has a large enough place of his own, the kids are spending alternating weeks with us, beginning on Sunday nights after dinner. This has been his first full week having them and it feels like an eternity. I miss them so much! They spend the days at my parents’ house, so I did go for lunch over there one day when I was working from home, and it was a little slice of heaven. They are great kids. Maybe this will help us truly appreciate each of them a little more.
I’m so looking forward to Sunday evening when they come back into my life, littering the house with toys and guitars, and filling it with friends, laughter, and music…oh, and those words, “What is there to eat?”
The interesting part in all of this is that I don’t miss my husband that much, not yet anyway. I miss having him mow the lawn and cook out on the grill, but I’ve learned to do the first on my own and will soon learn the grill as well. But I don’t miss the arguing, the giving in all the time, and the little frustrations that peppered my life with him. I’m enjoying rearranging the furniture, painting my office, and doing little things to make it feel more like my home. It always seemed weird not to feel at home in my own home, you know? And I’ve grown very close to my cat this week while the kids have been gone. She’s a good companion, and I think she likes me, too. 
Categories: Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance, Kids, Work.
Tags: back to work, separation
May 17, 2010
Well, my disability didn’t get approved for an extension beyond May 18, so I’m heading back on the 19th (Wednesday of this week!). I’m excited but nervous about it. My daughter was just released from the hospital today but has to go as outpatient from 8-4 the rest of the week and possibly some of next week. I’ll be getting a lot of help from my parents and my sister, so that will help a lot.
Wish me luck!
Categories: Work.
Tags: heading back to work
May 14, 2010
Wow, lots has happened since last month when I wrote. My husband moved out, my extension from work went through until tomorrow, and I find out today if it gets extended again to June or July, and my daughter is back in the hospital. Unfortunately she didn’t respond well to the Prozac so she was prescribed Paxil, which led her to hear a voice telling her to hurt other people (especially her little 5 year old brother). I took her to therapy on Wednesday this week and after a few minutes the therapist called me in to have my daughter tell me what she’d been hearing and seeing in her mind. The therapist recommended we go to the hospital for an assessment, which we did, and which led to her being admitted again.
At visiting time last night the psychiatrist pulled us into her office and gave us the rundown on what medications Deanna might try next. We’re going to go with a combination of Wellbutrin and Abilify and see if that helps. Until the voice stops being so insistent, they want to keep her at the hospital. Otherwise, she may get to go there as a partial or outpatient person, showing up everyday during the week from 8-4 and on weekends 9-1. She’d really prefer that, but we will do what the hospital recommends in any case.
Today I have a meeting with Deanna and a counselor for some family therapy. Her homebound situation with school has been working out remarkably well and her grades have improved. It really has been a joy to spend so much time with her, as I haven’t let her out of my sight for very long periods of time. We even published her many poems in a book of poetry through Lulu.com!
So, I’m adjusting to life as a single mother, although my husband calls me several times a day and insists on showing up whenever he likes. We have family therapy twice a month with the same therapist Deanna sees weekly, and next week it will just be my husband and me so we can discuss such boundary issues.
Categories: Children, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Kids.
Tags: separation
April 13, 2010
My older daughter has been in the adolescent behavioral health program at a hospital for the last week after taking a bunch of pills some boy on the bus gave her. She’s a 9th grader. We’ve since learned that part of the reason she’s been getting D’s and F’s in her classes the past quarter is because she’s been skipping classes. She said since she got her hair cut short people are calling her a dyke. How can kids be so cruel? She also mentioned that her parents may be getting a divorce. Did she think this would help that situation? People have told me that kids somehow unconsciously do drastic things to become a problem, so parents will have to come together to deal with it instead of worrying about their marriage. Interesting.
The psychiatrist at the hospital agreed that home schooling for the last remaining weeks of the school year would be preferable. I’m supposed to return to work on Monday! I emailed my manager in desperation, asking her to please consider letting me return part time. She responded that she’d have to think about how that might work, and said she’d get back to me in a couple of days. I see my psychiatrist today and need to let her know whether I want to pursue long term disability or not. I also asked my manager to let me work strange hours if part time was not an option (7am-12pm and 5-8pm), but I’m not at all sure I’d be able to keep that up along with home schooling, especially with all the sleep I’ve been requiring lately. Maybe if I’m just so busy sleep won’t enter my mind…we could hope.
I’m very worried about my daughter. She’s taking a small dose of prozac for now, and will begin therapy once weekly. In addition to keeping her home I will have to figure out ways to keep her happy without letting her roam the neighborhood (the boy who gave her pills lives in our neighborhood). My husband is already pursuing the boy by going through the school principal who will then get their security officer to follow up on it. My neighbors have a farm with horses that they said my kids are more than welcome to visit. Once we know where it is, they said we can even go there on our own whenever we’d like. She can groom the horses, feed them, ride them, etc. She loves being outdoors, so I think this could be a life saver for us.
The school will send a tutor once a week with all of her assignments for the week. Hopefully we will be able to get her through the end of the year and help her get her grades back up. The school has been very helpful. My son was sick yesterday, throwing up all day, it just makes me wonder how on earth I’ll be able to handle such situations if I’m also trying to work, but we are reliant on my health insurance. Please pray that either the part time or the long term disability comes through for me!
Categories: Children, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance, Kids, Work.
Tags: bullying, home schooling
April 6, 2010
I’m down to less than two weeks before returning to work. It’s definitely a little scary, but in a way I’m also excited to see my coworkers and see if I can successfully get back into the swing of working. This week I’m home with all my kids who are on spring break, and it’s giving me a glimpse of what summer vacation would be like if I weren’t working. My son actually tires me out more than I think my job will, although the stress there is on a different level.
The good thing is that my sister and parents are going to help us out by picking him up and taking him to preschool (until it’s over when school ends June 10), picking him up from there, and watching him the rest of the afternoon. After June 10 they can keep him all day. My mom and sister both teach piano, and he shows some promise in that area, so I’m hoping they will spend a little time working with him on that. Since I’ll be working I’ll be able to pay them a little bit to help out, and that will in turn help them out!
Another possibility I’ve been exploring is getting someone to come in and clean the house every other week. I think that would take a load off of me, and I really hate it when the house isn’t clean. I wind up spending a lot of my energy outside of work cleaning just so I can stand it. My daughters really also need to take up some of the slack; they are 15 and almost 13 now—certainly old enough to lend a hand with chores. It’s just such a challenge to make them see that their help is expected and required, when up to this point they have gotten away with doing very little. Maybe these new chores could somehow be tied to their allowance, although I truly believe they need to be doing things just because they are part of this household, too.
I see my family doctor this Thursday and my psychiatrist on Tuesday of next week. I will need to have both of them send in documentation stating I’m ready to return to work on the 19th. Wish me luck.
Categories: Fibromyalgia, Work.
Tags: going back to work
March 24, 2010
Well, my disability was approved through April 13th, at which point my doctors will be contacted once again to see if they feel I’m ready to begin working again on April 19th. I’m just not sure I want to go back! I could see about going into long term disability (I think I’m eligible for 25 weeks at 65% pay), or I could just go back to work. I emailed my manager and she said that if I go back on the 19th we’d discuss ways to make my job less stressful. So that’s a definite plus.
There are things I miss about working, but I’m not passionate about my job. I guess I need to spend some time really thinking it over and talking to my husband about it as well. I’m pretty sure he will encourage me to go back, although the family in general runs better when I’m at home and able to focus on their needs most of the time. Sometimes I feel l had more time to myself when I was working, and I miss that.
So, weighing the pros and cons of going back to work is my primary concern these days. On April 12th we will also find out if my husband gets accepted into the Foreign Service or not. Lots of changes could be afoot!
Categories: Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: Foreign Service, going back to work
March 15, 2010
My disability was approved up until today, but I can’t go back to work until my doctor sends a letter stating that I’m ready. My psychiatrist and primary physician have until March 23rd to fax in updated information and recommendations that I stay out until April 19th. I’m pretty sure that it will be approved as long as it is what they recommend. So for now, I’m just waiting to find out the verdict. And I’m not sure if these days are going unpaid or if my manager will let me use more personal days. If it is approved eventually, I’ll get the personal days back and the leave will be with pay.
I’m really nervous about going back to work. My husband is a contractor (doing Project Management), so all our health benefits come from my job. He’s also trying to get into the Foreign Service to work for the State Department, and is on the last leg of acceptance into that. He has the oral assessment on April 12th. If he passes, we will move to Washington DC and then to God-knows-where overseas for four years or more. All of this is adding stress to an already stressful situation! The only good thing about the Foreign Service is that I wouldn’t have to worry about working. But other than writing I’m not sure what I’d do, since we’d likely have a maid and a cook wherever we end up going.
At least my mood is more stable now, and I go up to 60mg of Cymbalta in a couple of days. I’m hoping that will really boost me up and I’ll feel like my old self completely then. If that’s the case then I should be able to handle working, right? Well, I’m not sure! My fibromyalgia is still a fairly new condition that I’ve had to begin learning to live with, and even though it’s not nearly as bad as some people’s symptoms it does make it harder for me to do the things that I used to do without much effort. I think the depression was what really messed me up with my job, and as far as I know things will continue to shift and change at work just like they always do at a big bank.
I’m spending my time doing mom stuff mostly. But I’m happy to report that I have finally been able to get engaged in some reading again! I’m reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper. Haven’t seen the film yet so it’s all new to me. I love her books! I’m also working slowly on a needlepoint project, but I don’t feel up to doing it everyday so it will be awhile before I get it done. But at least it’s progress!
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: disability, Foreign Service, going back to work
December 2, 2009
Last night I decided to try out an aquacise class. We have a real nice facility in the next town over that my family belongs to, and it includes a gym and swimming pools. I also take yoga there, which I’ll write about another time. I have read that exercising in the water is good for people with fibromyalgia, and since classes are included in my monthly fee at the gym I made up my mind to go.
At first I was afraid I was the only one there, as the four or five other participants showed up a little late, a little later, and the last one a lot later. It didn’t seem to matter; everyone was welcomed enthusiastically at whatever time they managed to arrive. Most had swim shoes or swim sneakers as well as webbed gloves. They had some gloves I was able to borrow, and the instructor suggested I try the class a few times before investing in the shoes.
One of the women was talking about having had botox in her neck for her fibromyalgia. Has anyone heard of that before? I piped right up and said that I, too, have fibromyalgia. The instructor had invited me to come to a Thursday night class in the deep pool, but after she learned that I have fibro she suddenly uninvited me. She said the deep pool is cold water and that it wouldn’t be good for me after all.
We did a lot of stuff and it was a harder workout than I anticipated, although I managed to keep up with everyone and not feel completely out of my league. We seemed to work on the abdominal muscles almost the entire hour, and of course we did a lot of work with our arms. We used the noodles in different ways—straddling them and keeping our legs out 90 degrees in front of us while doing breast stroke one way and reversing it coming back, wrapping it around our backs and sitting back in the water with knees bent as though sitting in a chair then opening and closing the legs for more abdominal workouts. We bent the noodle into pretzels and then used them as resistance under the water to push up and down with our arms.
The end of class felt nice, stretching out a little bit to finish up. My neck was a little sore and stiff from holding it up, but once my abs get stronger I think that will improve. I went home feeling pretty good about myself. There’s another class with a different instructor on Saturday morning at 8:15 and I think I’ll try it out.
At about 11:00 PM (class was from 6:00-7:00) my arms were in such pain I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned. At midnight I took a hot bath to try to relieve the stress, but maybe that isn’t a good thing to do…? When I was younger I used to dance a lot, and I know that hot baths always soothed sore muscles for me then. At 1:00 AM I finally took my Gabapentin which I had stopped taking because I was blaming it for causing me to gain weight. At 2:00 AM I took an Aleve, too. The last I checked the time before falling asleep was 2:30 AM, and when I woke up in the morning my arms felt much better.
I was supposed to go into the office to work today, but instead decided to make it one of my work from home days. I can work from home three days a week, and it’s wonderful to have that flexibility. Besides, it rained all day and I was so tired. I napped during my lunch hour, and I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do that in the office!
Tonight I’m going to my usual Wednesday night yoga from 7:30-8:45. It’s a great class at a good speed. The instructor knows I have issues with my lower back and that I have fibro, so if she goes into something too advanced I feel fine curtailing my activities and sinking back into a nice child’s pose or cobbler’s pose to rest. But yoga is another post. Maybe Saturday I won’t use the gloves at aquacise…I’m thinking the resistance they created was more than my puny arms can handle right at first. But I’m excited about the possibilities of water exercise, because the class is offered Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evenings from 6:00-7:00, as well as Saturday mornings. I’ll try to go to yoga Wed. and Sunday and do aquacise two times a week, too.
Categories: Exercise, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: Fibromyalgia, pain management, water aerobics, water exercise
December 3, 2009
The hardest part about having fibromyalgia (for me, anyway) is figuring out how to manage my time effectively. It’s impossible to say that I’ll clean up in the garage on Saturday when I have no idea how I’ll be feeling on Saturday. I may have energy, and then again, I probably won’t. It drives my kids nuts, because they are always wanting to fill in their evenings and weekends with fun things to do. “What are we doing this weekend?” is my twelve year old daughter’s favorite question. And I’m sure she thinks I’m the biggest stick in the mud because I always say that I hope we aren’t doing much of anything at all! We live busy lives, and there is rarely a weekend when we aren’t participating in soccer or drumming lessons, hosting youth gatherings at our house on Friday evening, or attending devotions and children’s classes (and many times being the teachers for said classes) on Sundays.
For a young girl it’s hard to understand that Mom would prefer to get up slowly, maybe read a book, put some laundry in the washer, and drink her cup of tea without worrying about who has to be where when. If I had the choice I’d probably become a real homebody with this illness. But because we are always on the go, I have to take my breaks when I can get them.
This week looks like this, and is pretty typical for us.
Monday: Work at the office all day, volunteer 3 hours
Tuesday: Work from home, aquacise class in evening
Wednesday: Work from home, yoga class in evening
Thursday: Work from home, orchestra concert at middle school in evening
Friday: Work at the office all day, host youth gathering at our home in evening
Saturday: Aquacise at 8:15 am, host a study circle in our home (may include feeding them lunch), attend a birthday party for a friend’s son who is turning 16
Sunday: Attend devotions and teach children’s classes, yoga in afternoon
Not to mention all the other things that have to happen everyday, like homework, getting dinner, shopping if needed (usually someone needs to have something special for school the next day that they forgot to mention two weeks ago when they found out they needed it), etc. My husband has decided this week that he will take it upon himself to put our son to bed every night. I usually bathe him, but my husband will take him to his room and read to him and make up stories to tell him and stay with him until he is asleep. My son can fall asleep faster than anyone I’ve ever known, so we’re lucky there. Every night this week he has been in bed asleep by 8:00 pm! It has given me a couple of hours every night to monitor how I’m feeling and handle household chores (or not) at my own pace.
I had a flare up, as I’ve heard other people call them, Tuesday after my first aquacise class. My arms hurt so much I couldn’t fall asleep. I felt pretty good pain-wise on Wednesday, but I was really fatigued and had to change my day to go into the office to Friday so I could stay home and take a nap during my lunch hour. It’s like a juggling act trying to keep on top of all the things that need to get done in a day or in a week or in a month, making sure not to do too much on a good day or else you’ll pay for it the next few days with major pain and tiredness.
Whenever I get a chance I sneak in a nap. I’m not sure if I do this only because I’m tired, or because I want to escape having to think about all there is to think about! I’m still not sure my husband understands completely, because after all, I don’t look sick, right? I know there are times when he’d like to go out and do something spontaneously, like go get a coffee together or catch a movie, but most of the time I have to turn him down because I know that I will pay for it the next day when I’m struggling to stay awake and work.
Does anyone else have any good tips on balancing the demands of life with the demands of fibromyalgia? Please leave a comment or a link if you know of good resources!
Categories: Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: balancing work and life
December 1, 2009
When my niece was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I went online to look it up to see what it was all about. I was shocked. So many of the symptoms matched my own and I was surprised my doctor hadn’t realized it. He’d been treating me for depression only, which was my main irritation, but because of confusion and inability to think clearly he ordered an MRI and EEG which returned nothing unusual. He was going to send me to a neurologist when I read about Fibromyalgia. The pain at the specific trigger points, memory impairment, depression, restless legs, chronic fatigue, anxiety, irritable bowel, morning stiffness, and headaches clued me in quickly. My doctor recommended a rheumatologist and the rest is history.
I found a great web site called www.fibrohaven.com and wanted to do something similar. I want to post about alternative therapies that I’ve tried, in the hopes that it may help someone else who suffers in the same way I do.
Categories: Fibromyalgia.
Tags: Diagnosis, Fibromyalgia
December 4, 2009
I’m very fortunate to have family nearby. We moved to North Carolina to be near my in-laws, and a few years after we arrived my father-in-law was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He passed away at the age of 60 in 2005. My parents moved out here shortly after we did, and so did my sister and her family.
I know some people have a lot of issues with their in-laws, but my mother-in-law is an angel (just like my father-in-law is in the next world!). She picks up my son every morning, packs his lunch, and takes him to a half day preschool, then picks him up from there and takes him home with her for the rest of the day. At the end of each day she brings him home to us! He’s only been going to this new school for about a month, and he has homework that’s due every Thursday. This week on Wednesday night I asked him about his homework and his eyes lit up. He said, “Nanny did it with me!” He took it out of his bag and sure enough, it was done.
Last night I was worrying about what I should fix for dinner, and I’d been working upstairs in my office (it was a work from home day) so I didn’t hear my mother-in-law when she came in with my son. After work I went downstairs and saw a big container of chili and some blueberry muffins that she had made for us! Dinner was already done. And she does this kind of thing fairly often.
Last week I missed some work unexpectedly when my five year old son got croup and his pediatrician sent him to a hospital in an ambulance! He was kept overnight but is doing great now. Anyway, another day this week my daughter needed to get picked up from school a little early so she could get to an orthodontist appointment. I didn’t think I should take off more work this week, so I asked my dad if he could pick her up and take her. He used to substitute at the high school she goes to, so he knew exactly where to go to get her for early dismissal. After he took her to the appointment, he brought her back home.
My niece and her dad both have Fibromyalgia, too, so they of course empathize. My niece is doing really great and spends a lot of her free time with my girls. She’s a wonderful role model for them (she’s 25 and they are 12 and 15).
A couple weekends ago I had made up my mind to really clean my kitchen. I was having a hard time getting started, but my mom and dad showed up out of the blue just to say hi. My mom said she’d love to clean my stovetop (ha!) and spent a good amount of time scrubbing until it shined. She even lifted it up and cleaned under the drip pans. So nice!
Anyway, I just wanted to express my appreciation for the support I have from my extended family. I definitely couldn’t manage a full-time job, a house and family without all their help! I hope others with fibromyalgia are able to get similar support from their friends and family.
Categories: Fibromyalgia, Support.
Tags: extended family, support from family
December 5, 2009
Along with depression, fibro fog is the part of this illness that interferes with my life the most. I found this article on brain fog and it spoke to me. I could relate so well to many of the symptoms.
Brain Fog Symptoms
Symptoms of brain fog can range from mild to severe. They frequently vary from day to day, and not everyone has all of them. Symptoms include:
- Word use & recall: Difficulty recalling known words, use of incorrect words, slow recall of names.
- Short-term memory problems: Forgetfulness, inability to remember what’s read or heard.
- Directional disorientation: Not recognizing familiar surroundings, easily becoming lost, having trouble recalling where things are.
- Multitasking difficulties: Inability to pay attention to more than one thing, forgetfulness of original task when distracted.
- Confusion & trouble concentrating Trouble processing information, easily distracted.
- Math/number difficulties: Difficulty performing simple math, remembering sequences, transposing numbers, trouble remembering numbers.
My job requires a lot of time in conference calls on the telephone. Often I’m not 100% sure what is going on because we’ve been reorganized and I’m “new”—how long will that excuse work? I experience a lot of confusion and am easily distracted. I take notes as best I can, although usually my notes only create more questions than answers. Then comes the short-term memory problems…someone asks me about the meeting and I can’t even summarize what it was about. Sometimes I can’t even recall what meeting they’re asking about, and I stand there looking stupid. It takes going back to my desk, finding my notes, letting my mind relax a moment until it can sift through to the right meeting and (hopefully) come up with something semi-articulate to relate.
The thing that scared me more than anything was the directional disorientation. I’d be driving home from work on a road that I knew fairly well, but it looks like any number of roads I’ve driven on in the different states where I’ve lived: just trees on either side of the two lane road, twists and turns and no real landmarks to speak of. It would suddenly strike me that I wasn’t sure where I was. I could be in Kentucky, or Indiana, or was I in North Carolina? Yeah, scary stuff. This would happen within the space of a couple of minutes and I’d remember exactly where I was, but during those few seconds it was like I’d gone out of my mind.
Fortunately I’m able to work my job and get things done on time. I don’t know if anyone is aware of my confusion. I don’t think they are. But it scares me knowing that this has progressed over the last couple of years and that it could get worse. What would I do if I couldn’t work? My family depends on my income and mostly on the health insurance I get from my job. I think we’d be okay financially with my husband’s job, but my girls will be wanting to go to college in the next four years and I know that’s not cheap. My older daughter needs surgery for her jaw, and she wants to take a trip to Africa this coming summer (that I want her to take, too). We’d have to cut back on some of these things if I weren’t able to continue working.
I just wish I had more passion for what I’m doing. I know I’m lucky to have a good job in this economy so I shouldn’t be complaining and wanting more, but I hate feeling inadequate at what I do, and the confusion makes me feel inadequate 75% of the time. How do other people with fibromyalgia manage this aspect of the illness in their professional lives? Any insights would be gratefully considered.
Categories: Fibromyalgia.
Tags: confusion, Fibro Fog, inadequacy, professional life, short-term memory loss, working
December 7, 2009
Well, the last few days have been really bad for me. But I have a plan. So, I have something constructive to look forward to, and I’m hoping that it will work for me. Basically, I quit taking my Gabapentin because I’ve gained weight on it. Being in pain keeps me from getting the exercise that I know I need, so it’s a vicious cycle. When I first started taking Zyprexa it helped my depression so much, but that has been about 8 months ago and I only take 1/4 of a tablet because otherwise I can’t wake up in the morning. I had a really hard weekend (not that I did anything to make it difficult, it just was), and ended up going to bed at 7:00 last night and waking up still feeling tired at 7:45 this morning. My daughter was very upset that I didn’t make supper last night, but I just didn’t have the energy.
This morning my mother-in-law came to get my son, as usual, and made me a cup of tea before I sat down to work from home. I told her I’d been asleep since 7:00 last night and that I’m having a bad episode of depression. She thinks I need to get back on my medicine and take more Zyprexa, and said that she would help me with meals if I agree to see a friend of ours who is a nutritionist. This friend does it for a living, so we made an appointment for next Monday to meet with her. The first meeting is 90 minutes, and the second one is 60 minutes—where she helps you actually lay out a plan. My mother-in-law called my husband and he thinks it will be great, and that the whole family can do it. If they don’t like it, they can make something else to eat. Hmmm, not sure how that will go over, but it’s worth a try.
I do think what we eat has an effect on our brains. The main reason I’m interested though is for weight loss. I just can’t feel good about myself when I’m overweight, plain and simple. I know it sounds superficial and nutty, but it’s the truth. In my youth I was a ballet dancer, and I’ve already given up so much of that life by taking a job working in a bank and giving up teaching, I can’t stand looking at my pudgy self in yoga class either. Hopefully this will help me out. And my husband agreed to go to aquacise with me tomorrow night!
Categories: Depression, Fibromyalgia, Support.
Tags: Depression, Exercise, Fibromyalgia, Nutrition, weight gain, weight loss
December 10, 2009
I used to be a sort of even keel, calm person by nature. I used to feel pretty much the same everyday. Not including big life changes (but even then, sometimes), I managed stress well. My moods didn’t fluctuate from one day to the next and I didn’t feel like I was riding a roller coaster in the dark. Which is exactly how I feel now that I have Fibromyalgia.
So far this week I haven’t experienced much calm. Period. The closest I came to it was yesterday when I was working from home and I had some Wilson Phillips music playing softly. But instead of calm, I felt extremely energized and rushed around doing all kinds of household duties while I had that energy.
Usually I’m in bed resting when my husband gets home from work and he has to rant a bit about “what’s for supper” and “where’s Mom” before I drag myself up. Yesterday I started supper: putting on the rice, cutting vegetables for stir fry and defrosting the chicken so it was almost ready by the time he got home. I could tell he was surprised.
Today, my brain is racing but my body feels lethargic. I truly would love to crawl back in bed and sleep until I wake up naturally, as in, without an alarm. My back was sore when I got up today, and it was a real struggle to wake up when the alarm went off.
Yesterday my Dr. Frank’s Joint and Muscle relief spray came in the mail. I squirted four times under my tongue last night and again this morning. Also got a new pill container to separate my pills for each day of the week. That’s only to make it easier on myself—instead of opening and closing three different bottles of pills every night I can pop open one lid and dump them all out. My twelve year old daughter was watching me sort out pills for my new container last night and she said, “Wow, it’s like you’re really sick or something.” Yeah.
I’m hopeful the small adjustments I’ve made in my medications will be effective, and that the nutritional changes I’m about to make will help, too.
But what I’m frustrated with is this roller coaster from one day to the next. Not only does it make it impossible to set plans, it makes me feel like I’m walking on egg shells. Normally you’d feel that way toward someone else whose moods you can’t predict, walking lightly around them not to set off that invisible switch…but when that person is yourself it’s very unnerving!
I never in my wildest dreams would have thought this was possible. That I couldn’t control my moods from one day to the next; that I couldn’t count on myself to be patient and pleasant with my coworkers or my precious children when they’re not doing anything out of the ordinary to cause me to explode inside; that I would have the desire to organize that basket full of junk (bills, letters, magazines…the catch-all basket that holds everything no one wants to deal with), but that I would sit and look at it without having the least bit of energy and drive to get up and actually organize it.
I’ve connected with several other FMS sufferers on Twitter and read some of their blogs since starting my own a couple weeks ago. I know there are things we can learn from each other. The way this illness manifests itself so uniquely in each person drives me batty though! No wonder doctors find it difficult to get people on exactly the right meds to treat their symptoms. And the day I see my doctor I might be experiencing more depression than fatigue, or more pain than depression (it’s like a tossed salad!), and so he treats me for how I’m feeling on that particular day which might not really be so helpful in the days to come.
I’m thinking about trying to start meditation. Does anyone have any tips on how to go about starting? My goal is to sit still for five minutes every morning and again for five minutes in the evening when I’m alone. Just sit and try to clear my mind of all worries and anxiety, and try to forget about pain. I’ll keep you posted on how this goes.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: Depression, fatigue, lethargy, roller coaster
December 11, 2009
Today my husband and I were both working at our offices. His is across the street from mine, so we are fairly close. He sent an email to see if I wanted to go to an Indian buffet for lunch with a couple of his Indian coworkers. Originally I had planned to eat at work and even packed a lunch. After arriving at work, I had decided to spend my lunch hour driving back to my home office since the boss is off today and I have a later than usual meeting this afternoon. My first reaction to my husband’s email was to write back saying that I couldn’t do it, but then I thought twice.
Why couldn’t I have lunch with him and meet some of his coworkers, and then drive home? I was going to be working later than usual anyway, so there wasn’t an issue with getting in my time for the day. The lunch I packed could be saved for tomorrow, couldn’t it? So I ran it by my team lead who said, “Do whatever you have to do…no problem with me”, and I sent my husband a reply that said, “Sure!”
I think he was surprised. Which is kind of sad, really. The fact that I normally shy away from doing things on the spur of the moment can’t make me a very fun loving person, although I blame my inflexibility on the fibromyalgia. But I’ve decided that instead of jumping to my first inclination to say no to things of this nature, I’m going to start thinking twice about them. I’m going to think about the real reasons I’m saying no to doing things, especially if it’s something that I’d probably end up enjoying and that would make my kids or my husband feel better about me.
So today I thought to myself:
Do I have a meeting at lunch time that I can’t miss? No.
Am I behind on my hours for the week and can’t take the time to go out to lunch? No.
Do I have tasks that need to be completed today that would require working through lunch? No.
Do I hate Indian food? No.
And then I thought to myself:
Would it make my husband happy if I joined him and his coworkers for lunch? Yes.
Would it be something I’d probably enjoy? Yes.
Could I make it back to my home office in time for my afternoon meetings? Yes.
Do I have the energy today to eat lunch with new people? Yes.
Well, at least I have on makeup and am dressed (since I’m working in the office instead of at home—on work-from-home days I often work in my pajamas until noon and don’t put on any makeup all day). So the hardest part was already done. All I had to do was drive across the street to meet my husband and jump in his car.
From now on, instead of automatically saying no to things, I’m going to think about it first. I’m going to run some questions through my mind and make a decision based on how I’m feeling that particular day and on what kind of energy I’m going to need to make it through the things I already know I have to accomplish. If there’s not a good reason for me to say no then I’m going to start saying yes. I think I’ve gotten too good at saying no. Maybe stopping for a few moments to take everything into account will help me enjoy more things in life, and make me more fun to be around, too.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: being spontaneous, Energy, saying no, saying yes, thinking
December 17, 2009
Having Fibromyalgia and having kids can be rough. And I have it on both sides of the spectrum, with two daughters (15 and 12) and a son who is 5. The hardest part is keeping the house clean! I can straighten everything up, vacuum, mop the kitchen, make beds, do laundry, etc., and once the kids set foot in the door destruction begins. First thing the girls do when they get off the bus from school is make popcorn, which they then drag upstairs to the office—my office, where I’m still usually trying to work—and get on the spare computer behind me. Of course, there are water bottles involved, too, and I’m left with the mess. Yes, there’s a trash can, but somehow kernels of unpopped and popped corn litter my floor and bottles of water are left half drunk.
Their bedrooms are horrendous. Why do I put up with this, you ask? Well, I have a theory. It takes a lot of energy to tell someone to pick up after themselves repeatedly. It takes even more energy to stand over them while they clean up their messes, making sure they do it properly. So, I decided to try something new. It’s called allowance. Instead of giving them money whenever they want or need it, they can now earn a weekly allowance. BUT it is not a set amount, depending on how well they hold up their end of the bargain. The deal is that they have to keep their rooms relatively tidy—by making their beds everyday and washing their own laundry (and putting it away) each week, in addition to being mindful when they are asked to do anything else, such as clean up supper, sweep the kitchen floor, empty the dishwasher, or vacuum the kernels off my office carpet.
There is a cap, and I base that on their ages. The oldest gets up to $15 a week, the twelve year old gets $12.50 (she’s actually twelve and a half, she argued, and won), minus whatever I deem they didn’t earn. They started out doing pretty well, but have slacked off a bit, which will be evident in the amount of money they get tomorrow for allowance. I’m hoping they will “get it”, and that a week’s turnaround time isn’t too long for them to make the connection and care enough on Day 1 of 7 to make their beds. I’ll keep you posted.
We got a new shelving unit to put right inside the front door where they can store their bookbags and shoes instead of all over the entryway. This has worked wonders! But we’ve only had it for a week, so again, I’ll have to keep you posted. It sure is easier to say, “Put your shoes on the shelf!” than it is to tell them to put them in their rooms upstairs, which is not likely to happen in my lifetime.
Now, the five year old is a different story. Yes, he makes messes. He has tons of toys that overfill the toy box and spill out all over the music room floor. There’s another toy box with the same fate in his bedroom, but he is afraid of monsters in his room (thanks to my girls) so he doesn’t play in there as much. The other thing he does is pull all the pillows off my sofa to make a hiding place. He gets the pillows from every chair and couch we have, and piles them up in the family room. I haven’t figured out how to get him to put them back yet. I sound like a terribly bad mother letting my children walk all over me, and I don’t dispute it. It’s just easier to wait until he’s gone to daycare for the day and put them all back in their correct places than it is to oversee the job getting done right by him. At least I can look at a clean(ish) house while I’m working from home until the kids return to destroy it again.
While we’re on children, they all like to hug. Hard. I’m trying to teach them to give me soft hugs, but it’s really difficult for them. Especially my son. He will come running toward me like a flying torpedo and smack into me for a hug. Can you say OUCH??
Yes, children have a hard time understanding that Mom has an invisible illness. Five year olds want to see the booboo and teenagers don’t believe 95% of what you tell them anyway. Anyone else have Fibromyalgia with some pointers on handling children? This is just the tip of the iceberg. We haven’t touched on the weekly nagging session over letting even more children sleep over at my house. I’ll leave that for another post!
Categories: Children, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance, Kids, Support.
Tags: allowance, Children, cleaning house, Kids, laundry, messes, soft hugs
December 22, 2009
I saw my rheumatologist yesterday as well as my primary care physician. The rheumatologist didn’t want to do anything with my meds for depression, saying he doesn’t profess to know anything about that. He just said that I should increase my dosage of Neurontin (Gabapentin) from 200mg to 300mg everyday, and that I could call in a couple of weeks and he may even have me go up more. I know some people take a whole lot more than that, but it’s not so much the pain that I’m having trouble with as it is the anxiety and depression. He thought that increasing the dosage would probably help my “sleep architecture” so I wouldn’t be having as fractured sleep as I am (told him I can sleep 13 hours and still be tired), so we’ll see what happens. I took 300mg last night and slept like a log.
My primary care doctor was going to take me off Zyprexa and put me on Pristiq, since I told him that my sister takes Pristiq and is doing very well on it and losing weight even. But it turns out that you can’t take it and Prozac at the same time, so he just left my meds as they are now, saying I could increase the Zyprexa if needed, and that 2.5mg is really not a very big dose. Right now I’m only taking 1/2 a 2.5mg tablet and that knocks me out and makes it hard for me to wake up the next day. I’ll just keep things as they are and hopefully with the changes at work I won’t go out of my mind with worry.
I ordered a theracane from Amazon.com and really like it! It’s great because you can reach trigger points without the aid of another person. It can reach every trigger point in your body! I highly recommend them. I got one for my brother-in-law and he loves it. The other thing I ordered today and am eagerly waiting to receive in the mail is a pain relief neck wrap from www.relaxpack.com. The owner of Relax Pack suffers from Fibromyalgia and created these hot or cold packs out of all organic materials and herbs. It sounds really nice.
On Thursday I meet with my nutritionist who is going to give me meal plans! She had me buy a water distiller (the $99 one that has stainless steel inside) and a nice blender so I can make smoothies, too. Apparently this commercial blender will chop up avocado seeds and other seeds that hold a lot of nutrients. Now I’ll be able to really start getting a handle on my nutrition and stop craving things I don’t need! Hopefully it will help me lose some of this added weight, too, and give me more energy. She said that in time eating the right foods will allow me to go off of some of my medications. That would be wonderful! I’ll post some smoothie recipes later when I get them. Here are some nutrition tips she gave me:
- Water instead of Sodas, Kool Aid, etc.
- Eat at least 4 cups of cooked vegetables – include dark greens
- Eat 2-3 servings of fruit daily – don’t count juice
- Fish – 3 times a week (especially salmon and small fish)
- Good fats – olive, safflower, nuts & seeds, avocado
- Shop around the periphery of the grocery store
- Go natural – minimize salt, sugar, additives, preservatives
- Eat a variety of foods
- Nibble instead of gorge
- Stay away from foods that don’t rot or sprout
- Eat nutrient dense foods
- Choose high fiber foods
- Eat enough protein (100 grams if you weigh 150 lbs)
- Stay away from hard to digest foods
- Avoid grilling
- Keep bowels healthy – at least one bowel movement a day
At my first meeting with her she did say I should drink 2 cups of lukewarm distilled water first thing in the morning, before eating any food. This gently awakens the digestive system. She said to use skim milk instead of 2%, to eat two halves of a walnut everyday, to get Ezekiel bread, to drink water 15 minutes before a meal or 30 minutes after (but don’t drink during a meal!), to use coconut oil for stir frying, and that I should eat dates with grapefruit instead of alone as a snack. Lastly, she said to eat two egg whites and one egg yolk for breakfast and that boiled or poached are best. I didn’t know the protein was in the egg white and not the yolk! I’ve been trying to do these things until I get my real meal plans from her on Thursday.
I hope everyone enjoys their holidays and stays warm and pain free.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Nutrition.
Tags: depression medication, Nutrition, pain medication, rheumatologist
December 23, 2009
How do your families support you when you have Fibromyalgia? Do they understand that you are in pain, having a worse-than-usual day even though you look fine, are fatigued even though you just took a nap, and are depressed even though life looks promising? I’m having a little trouble getting my family to make these connections. The biggest problem for me is that I’m afraid they think I’m being lazy when in fact I’d really love to have the energy to join them for a trip to the mall or a movie. I get the feeling that they think Mom doesn’t want to do fun family things because she’d rather stay home and take a nap or read a book. They don’t get it that I do those things because that’s all I have the energy for some days.
And how do you manage the weight gain from medications? I’m hopeful that my nutrition counseling will help me lose the 15 pounds I’ve packed on in 3 months, but I know that for my own well-being I NEED to take this medication in order to continue working full-time. And how is it that I’m still expected to make dinner every night and do the family’s laundry and keep the house clean, when I work a full 40 hours a week, too?
The invisible part of this illness is what makes it difficult for my family to understand that it’s REAL. I’m not getting a lot of understanding and compassion, and I’m trying to educate them as well as get involved in as many things as I can to make myself feel better—yoga, aquacise, eating right, walking, meditating, medicating, chiropractic, having good sleep hygiene, using theracane to release trigger points—I’m doing all those things and more. How can they think that this isn’t real?
Categories: Children, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance, Kids, Nutrition, Support.
Tags: compassion, family, Fibromyalgia, Support, support from family, working
December 31, 2009
I’ve enjoyed the past couple of weeks, visiting with family I haven’t seen in a long time and taking some much needed time away from work. We had a big family picture with all my siblings and their families along with my parents and I’m looking forward to getting those. We had a professional photographer come to take them at my mother-in-law’s house since she has a lot of space and a pretty fireplace to use as a background.
Today I found a new psychiatrist who is also a neurologist. I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m bipolar. It seems like I’ll have several bad months and then a couple good ones every now and then, when I’m able to be very productive and feel more alive than ever. The last big upswing I had was last summer and I attributed it to a change in medication when my doctor put me on a very small dose of zyprexa. I had so much energy and felt like singing in the car again (I can measure my depression on a scale of how much I feel like singing to the radio!). My general practitioner prescribed that after taking me off birth control and trying some other options that didn’t pull me out of my depression. I was walking everyday, wrote a book and published it myself online (for ballet teachers), started a ballet blog, and was feeling really good about myself and my life.
It lasted a couple of months and I’ve been down in the dumps since about September. I sleep an awful lot, and even when I’m not sleepy I will sleep just to escape life. I suppose it’s similar to how some people veg out in front of the TV just to relax, only I want to escape even more completely than that. I’m not suicidal or anything, but it’s making it difficult to get through a day’s work without stress and tears over things that shouldn’t cause me such stress and tears!
My appointment is February 5th and I’m hopeful that seeing a specialist will get me the help I need and the right medications to get out of this rut.
I hope everyone has a Happy New Year, and that it’s full of happiness and free of pain. Or a little bit freer of pain, at least.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: bipolar, Depression
January 9, 2010
Well, the tires came to a screeching halt when my family life hit some major potholes. My depression and fibro flareups created enough tension in the home that something had to happen. I decided to take a personal leave of absence from work for several weeks.
My leave begins officially on Monday. For now we are saying I’ll be out for 30 days and we can update that if needed. Last Friday I was able to stay at home and be a mom.
My daughter missed her bus: no problem…I took her to school! I cleaned my refrigerator and pantry in the kitchen and worked on my knitting (I’m making a scarf…it’s my third one but I’m still a novice at knitting at this point). I visited my parents during the day, and after school I spent time with each of my children, made spaghetti, a nice salad, and garlic bread for dinner, and felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
I had no idea that the stress of my job was causing me to close myself off from my husband and children, but it was. I was able to be patient with them almost immediately after learning I didn’t have to worry about my job. I didn’t have to hold my energy in reserve so that I’d be able to perform at work the next day for 8 hours. Normally I am sleeping when I’m not working, or I’m awake but mentally and emotionally shut down to preserve my sanity. I think this is going to be a much-needed rest for me.
Categories: Children, Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: personal leave, Work
January 19, 2010
Last week I was able to get an appointment with a really great psychiatrist in the area. She said that in addition to my medications not helping me, she thinks my hormones are out of balance. I’m going to have the IUD my primary care physician told me to use for birth control taken out because it’s making my body believe it’s pregnant, thus leading to tears, anxiety, and a nesting instinct that has me cleaning my house like mad and not wanting to leave home much.
She took me off Zyprexa and put me on 2.5 mg of Abilify. So far I’ve lost 3 pounds in one week! I haven’t had to take a nap, although a few days I went to bed early. She said when I see her this week we’ll go over the medications again and make adjustments if needed. I’ll probably need to take the Abilify in the mornings because I’ve been waking up like clockwork at 2:50 a.m. everyday! Maybe she can give me something to help me sleep at night. She also says I’m not bipolar, so I guess that’s something!
The other, possibly even more important, discovery she made was that she believes I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. The symptoms sound very familiar! If the blood tests she ordered for my thyroid antibodies come back showing I do have this, then there is medication I can take that will do the job my thyroid isn’t doing, and my symptoms will reverse! I’m so hoping that this is the answer. I’ll let you know when I find out.
In the meantime, I’ve been busy taking my 7th grade daughter to school everyday, before I drop my son off at the gym where he has a half day of preschool from 9-1. I figured out that there is water aerobics on Monday, Wed., and Friday from 9-10, and yoga on Tuesday and Thursday from 9:15-10:30, so I’m going to begin going to those classes. I think it will help me feel more energetic and maybe less moody. Not working for the past week has made me less stressed, for sure, and more patient with my family. I think it’s going to be a great thing for all of us.
I’m also spending time with my parents and my sister which is nice. I took my parents to see Avatar yesterday. They don’t go out to movies very often so I think they really enjoyed the outing. Today I’m making appointments, getting organized, cleaning house, and doing laundry, including washing sheets. It feels so good to have the time to do these things.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Exercise, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: Not working
January 20, 2010
Today I dropped my daughter and son off at their schools and then went to the Healthy Home Market to get some organic produce, steel cut oats, and Agave sweetener. I also picked up some raspberry incense, something I’ve never done before but it sounds like it might be nice. I’m all about trying new things lately.
I bought myself flowers last week. They had two dozen miniature yellow roses for $5 that I simply couldn’t pass up, and they really brighten up my kitchen on the table in a pretty vase. I also recently got a hummingbird feeder and attached it to my front window. So far I haven’t seen any hummingbirds, but maybe it’s not the season yet for them. I’m clueless, but thought it would be nice to have some bird watching going on now that I’m home a lot.
The other new thing I’ve been doing is lighting candles and taking a nice, hot bath at night. I’ve been locking the door, and my son calls from the other side saying, “Mommy, are you taking a candle bath?” It’s so cute. After I get out and dressed he wants to blow them out. There’s something relaxing about candles. I’m all about relaxation lately, too.
After I pick up my son from preschool I’m going to take him to see the movie Princess and the Frog. He’s so excited. When his eyes opened this morning those were his first words, asking if we were still going to see the Princess and the Frog. I’m really enjoying having more time to spend with my kids.
Next week my daughter’s orchestra is visiting some elementary schools to recruit new students for middle school orchestra. I volunteered to transport the instruments in my van and go with the kids to lunch afterwards. I’ve always wanted to be able to participate in this way, but never was able to because of work.
I saw my psychiatrist today. She’s giving me a prescription for trazodone to help me sleep at night. I told her I’ve been waking up at 2:50 a.m. every morning and she said that the adrenal glands kick in mid morning, plus I have increased levels of cortisol from stress that is causing me to wake up. She said I should take my prozac in the morning instead of at night. I’ll take the 2.5 mg of Abilify with the trazodone at bedtime.
My 12 year old daughter is going to talk with her next week for psychotherapy. She has lots of anxiety and I think it will be really good for her to have someone to talk to about things. Besides, we’re all about trying something new lately.
Categories: Energy, Fibromyalgia, Kids.
Tags: trying new things
February 3, 2010
I had a dream last night that I couldn’t smile. I had to smile for a picture and I just couldn’t get the sides of my mouth to go up. That was kind of weird.
My depression is not lifting as I’d hoped it would. My psychiatrist told me that it would be okay for me to take the whole 5 mg dose of Abilify instead of just half a tablet at night. I’m hoping that will help. My sister is also going to pick my son up from preschool at 1:00 on Wednesdays and Thursdays so I can stay home and relax a bit. I drop him off at 9:00 and then 1:00 seems to come quickly. Today is a Wednesday so I was able to stay home and clean up my house downstairs, go to the grocery to pick up some items I needed to make chili for supper, and take a nap. It was really nice!
I’m seeing a marriage and family therapist with my husband. We went last night for the first time and it went well. She recommended I start reading five affirmations that I make up, five times a day for a total of 25 times. She also loaned me a book by David D. Burns called Feeling Good. There was a quiz to take on page 20 and after I totaled my answers it said I have extreme depression. Anything 40 and over equaled extreme, and I had a 47.
From the book, it says:
The simple, effective mood-control techniques of cognitive therapy provide:
1. Rapid Symptomatic Improvement: In milder depressions, relief from your symptoms can often be observed in as short a time as twelve weeks.
2. Understanding: A clear explanation of why you get moody and what you can do to change your moods. You will learn what causes your powerful feelings; how to distinguish “normal” from “abnormal” emotions; and how to diagnose and assess the severity of your upsets.
3. Self-control: You will learn how to apply safe and effective coping strategies that will make you feel better whenever you are upset. I will guide you as you develop a practical, realistic, step-by-step self-help plan. As you apply it, your moods can come under greater voluntary control.
4. Prevention and Personal Growth: Genuine and long-lasting prophylaxis (prevention) of future mood swings can effectively be based on a reassessment of some basic values and attitudes which lie at the core of your tendency toward painful depressions. I will show you how to challenge and reevaluate certain assumptions about the basis for human worth.
I will try to write more posts as I read more of this book and let you know if it’s helping!
Categories: Depression, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: affirmation, Depression, feeling good
February 11, 2010
We’ve had some really cold temperatures for our moderate climate in the Piedmont of North Carolina lately. So much so that we even cleared half of our garage in order to get one of our cars parked inside. That took some doing, too! My husband too someone’s advice and closed off all the air vents on the ceilings upstairs because it was very warm up there and super cold downstairs. It worked, but now it’s pretty chilly upstairs and I have been sleeping under a sheet, blanket, bedspread, and another blanket folded in half on top of me. Plus I’ve been wearing sweat pants, socks, a long sleeved pullover sweater, AND a zip up sweater to bed!
Needless to say, I’m ready for some warmer temperatures. I have found that in the spring and summer months I am generally a happier, more pain-free person. I’m downstairs now, fairly warm with the fireplace going and drinking some Persian tea, but my fingers are still cold! Makes typing a bit harder than usual and I keep making typos.
Are there any good remedies for cold hands, besides wearing gloves in the house? Any ointments or lotions that produce the effects of heat that anyone knows of? I suppose I could get some of those fingerless gloves that bike riders wear.
I hope wherever you are living that you don’t have tons of snow right now! We were fortunate to miss the big storm that his Washington, DC, Virginia, and parts of Maryland. All we got was cold rain! I’m not complaining!
Categories: Fibromyalgia.
Tags: cold, hands. snow, winter
February 14, 2010
The other day I was sharing with a friend of mine some new thing I’d heard about that I thought might bring me some peace of mind. He said that he thought I should stop listening to all the ideas people presented to me and stop taking everyone up on trying them out. He said, “Just stop, stop, stop. STOP!”
Well, not taking his advice to stop listening to advice, I took him up on his advice! It has been liberating to let people tell me what they think I should do and know that I will probably not do it, because I don’t have to if it’s not what I feel is right for me. Somehow, I always feel I must be striving to be productive, to make myself a better person, to contribute to society in special ways and be a good example.
His other advice was this: when there’s nothing to do, just do nothing. Sit and watch a sunset. Just be with yourself and be happy with that alone. I’m usually knitting if I’m just sitting alone with nothing else to do, because of my deep seated belief that I must always be productive. Lately I’ve had a hard time being happy, so if there’s nothing to do I will usually find myself crawling into bed to take a nap. I’m always tired, you see.
But the other day I turned on some of my favorite classical piano music and sat and drank a whole cup of tea without doing anything else. It wasn’t a super long time or anything, but it felt good to just do nothing (although technically I guess you could say I was listening to music and drinking tea!). Well, I’m getting closer to the idea. It will take some time before I’m really able to just sit and be with myself, happily.
Categories: Depression, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance.
Tags: alone time, doing nothing
February 21, 2010
Since I began my short term disability from my job nearly six weeks ago, I feel that the time I had carved out as my own (usually used for exercise like yoga or water aerobics) has been taken away. I’m sure if I had insisted on continuing these activities no one would have argued with me, but I think I was just plain too depressed to even get myself there—much less be active on arrival.
So now I sit after a day spent mostly napping, and am thinking about how difficult it was to walk to the park with my son yesterday and again today. My legs felt like they were moving through molasses and a half mile jaunt felt like ten by the time I got home and collapsed. I know I need to get my endurance back up slowly; I just wish it weren’t so much easier to get back into bed and take a nap!
As far as the depression goes, I’ve come a long way on the new drug I’ve been given (Abilify) and have even lost 6 pounds doing nothing different (except exercising LESS!). Even my new diet plans have been shrugged aside for the most part. It’s like the depression came to a raging head, saying, “Look at me! I’m a force strong enough to tear your life apart if you don’t take notice of me now!” And so, it knocked me down for a good six weeks and I’m still crawling out of the black hole it dropped me into. My brother-in-law said the bags under my eyes a few weeks ago were more like luggage racks! My daughter took a picture of me yesterday without my knowing it, and I was sad to see that even though inwardly I’m feeling a little more normal, outwardly I still look like hell.
I’m going to have to create a schedule for myself in order to really get done the things I want to accomplish in a day or a week. If I can write down and check items off a list I think I’ll feel more productive and quit kicking myself everyday for letting a day pass without doing some kind of exercise or meditation. Okay, so for this coming week I’m going to start by going to yoga once and walk at least a mile three days of the week. I feel better already!
Categories: Depression, Energy, Exercise, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: Depression, Energy, Exercise, schedule, walking, yoga
March 5, 2010
This is the question my psychiatrist posed to me yesterday when I went to see her about my drug regimine (“Do you feel overmedicated?”). One time she told me she thought I was overmedicated, but I wasn’t exactly sure at the time what I’d said to make her think that was the case. So I just shrugged and told her I’d been feeling sleepy a lot during the day, napping frequently and feeling lazy when I was awake. I still have little to no interest in doing the things I normally enjoy doing, and I don’t feel like the Abilify, even at 5 mg is lifting my depression. I also have pain in my legs, especially in the morning.
I was feeling like I needed something more or something different, but I wasn’t sure how to respond to her question. What does it feel like to be overmedicated? How can someone know that’s what their symptoms mean? I still don’t quite get it.
After some more discussion, she said that maybe I was taking too much Prozac (40 mg a day). Then she had a great idea…to put me on Cymbalta, which should help both my depression and my pain from fibromyalgia! I’m to taper off my Prozac in two weeks and then be off of it completely. I’ll take 30 mg of Cymbalta for 2 weeks, then up it to 60 mg for four weeks. At that point we will see how it’s doing and if I should begin tapering off of Abilify. She said it’s best not to be on too many medications, which I agree with. I’ve also been taking Trazodone at night to help me sleep, and she said I could cut that dose down considerably, and possibly completely. I didn’t take it last night and was awake at 3:00 am.
So tonight I will take a small dose of Trazodone to see if it helps me sleep without making me sleepy into the next day, too.
I wonder how many people are actually walking around overmedicated? It’s kind of a scary thought.
Categories: Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia.
Tags: overmedicated
March 9, 2010
When I got the approval for short term disability from work I was at the lowest place in my life—barely able to function enough to care for myself. I was given eight weeks to pull myself out of the black pit of despair and get myself ready to begin anew. Eight blessed weeks of low to no stress. However, my family didn’t see it that way.
In a sense—looking back—I was like a child, unable to even voice my opinions or stand up for myself. I was weary and exhausted. Before I knew it, I had been assigned making daily lunches for two of my children everyday and the job of taking my daughter to school (the bus had been fine before) and my son to half-day preschool and picking him up four hours later everyday…not to mention watching him the rest of the afternoons and overseeing any projects he had and weekly homework assignments. These were things we had been paying a family member to do. Making dinner every night was another job, and I found myself at the local supermarket nearly every single day of the week! Yes, I have learned how to make several new dishes—some of which have even become favorites at my house and may need to become posts on “Things I Love” as soon as I have the energy to write them. And my children have been sicker than I ever remember during these few weeks, so I spent many hours in the car on the way to and from (and at) doctors’ appointments. Then there were orthodontist visits, a special laser treatment to expose and pull down two of my older daughter’s teeth, and visits to the psychiatrist for my younger daughter for her anxiety.
This week I am in charge of calling the insurance company to find out why none of my therapy was covered (therapist is not in network), and picking my 9th grader up from school three days this week so she can stay late to work on an art project she’s behind on and go to math tutoring for her algebra class she’s failing. And that’s not all she’s failing! What could have happened? I’m wondering if my leave and the distress of thinking her parents might be getting a divorce has affected her grades this semester. Last semester her lowest grade was a C. Now she’s carrying F’s in four of her five courses! And she hasn’t a care in the world. We’ve taken her phone, ipod, computer access, free time, and set up a rigid study schedule for her. I’m setting up conferences with her five teachers to discuss the issues she’s having and find out how we can get information on when tests are coming up so she doesn’t “forget” to study and fail them all. I’ve been looking online—because one of her teachers sent an email back stating that she has trouble concentrating in class—and I’m wondering if she may have ADHD. She certainly seems to have all the symptoms. She has a follow up with the pediatrician she’s been seeing for years next week, so I’m going to bring it up and see what the doctor thinks.
I want to thank my sister who has stepped in to help me twice a week by picking up my son and watching him those afternoons. Those two days are ones I know I’ll be able to breathe.
I am now in the eighth week of my disability and finally finding some relief from the drug Cymbalta, which helps both my Fibromyalgia and my depression. I’m still on Abilify and Prozac, but taping off of those until eventually I will only be on Cymbalta. Well, that’s the plan for now. Now that I’m feeling more like my old self, I’m thinking that it wasn’t fair to be given all the duties either our children did just fine for themselves or that we had paid help to do. I was on a paid leave, although the plan at first was that I might never return to the job that has caused such stress in my life. Why was it like someone flipped a switch, and now that mom’s home, she can do…everything!
It sounds like I’m complaining, but I have a point to make here. And it’s not that I don’t love my children and enjoy caring for them. I actually do, especially this week now that I’m feeling better. But my advice to anyone who needs time to turn their lives around and who needs to start with themselves, is to keep everything else constant. Don’t start making drastic changes to make the lives of everyone else in the family easier until you start feeling better. Take the time you need to sleep, if that’s what you feel you need. To meditate, sew, shop, drive, walk—whatever makes you feel better about who you are. Then, when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and you are pulling your feet from the black pit you’ve been sitting in, slowly implement changes that will be beneficial to everyone else. You are worth it, and they can’t be happy if you aren’t.
Categories: Children, Depression, Energy, Fibromyalgia, Finding Balance, Support.
Tags: disability, getting back on your feet, taking time for yourself
